Duels of the 21st Century
Historic accounts that spelled doom for the citizens of the 2000s.
Death by a Thousand Cuts — October 15th, 2001
After years of escalating conflict, sisters Gigi and Willa Hatchett found themselves once again in an evening deadlock over who had the right to use the landline. October 15th, 2001 marked the night Gigi yanked the communication cable out of its socket so she could check her AIM messages. As the soundwaves of dial-up screeched within earshot, Willa led a counterattack of her own by snatching Gigi’s favorite denim skirt and slashing it into pieces. Weapon of choice? A pair of crinkle-cut scissors.
The Clash of the Trousers — April 23rd, 2008
Considered the preeminent pranksters of St. John’s schoolyard, longtime mates Xavier Bonoro and Demetri Saunders drew their chalk lines on the asphalt when Saunders pantsed Bonoro in front of the entire fifth grade class. The only solution? A duel of Slaps. As the boys rolled up their sleeves, Bonoro took the first shot, attempting to strike the hovering hands of his opponent. Lasting three rounds, it was an affair that not only tested their reflexes but flushed their hands with crimson. In the end, the boys agreed to a truce and spent the remainder of recess carving out penises in their favorite oak tree.
Scout’s Dis-Honor — February 7th, 2015
Animosity surfaced when insurance broker Axel Tucket refused to procure a box of assorted cookies from the kin of Chad Kensington, stating he dare already purchased a box of assorted cookies from Jacobson’s daughter in IT. Shrouded by a morning mist of resentment, the contending colleagues resolved their spat in the breakroom with a peace treaty that proclaimed Kensington would clean the coffee filters every day for the rest of the quarter in exchange for the price of five Caramel deLites.
The Rubber Cushion Heard Round the World — November 12th, 2019
Unable to command authority over the inexhaustible chatter of his classroom, Mr. Morgan capped his marker, crossed his arms around his chest, and smacked his irritated lips before declaring the words, “I’ll wait.” As Mr. Morgan sat down in his chair, an air of simulated flatulence arose from beneath his derriere, prompting a fit of laughter from every pupil. With a vengeful pair of eyes, Mr. Morgan challenged his entire class to a duel by distributing a pop quiz.
The Battle of the Blabbermouth — May 8th, 2021
During their offspring’s soccer match, Stella Faye forewarned the other parents of the Jaguars she had yet to finish the true-crime docuseries, Killers Who Brunch. However, multiple accounts from the bleachers corroborated it was Gavin Gaft who uttered, “I’ll just say you won’t ever look at Frosted Flakes the same way again.” Faye cursed to the skies. For it was the clue that spoiled it all. Seeking vengeance for the hours of wasted anticipation, Faye imposed snack duty on Gaft for the rest of the year.
Dead Man Chewing — July 31st, 2023
Before Billie Grey’s murder mystery party could commenced, an unexpected quarrel transpired over a board of charcuterie. As Grey advanced toward the last slice of prosciutto, so did the fist of acquaintance Ava Mintz. Believe it or not, the two women needed only but a stare to declare a duel of reverse psychology. What began as polite pleasantries insisting the other must take it concluded with a fatal blow to both stomachs when friend-turned-foe Josh Wilkinson snatched the slab himself. Legend has it, the two women replied with nothing more than a “It’s fine” and walked away, whispering. Two days later, Wilkinson died, unrelated, in a lethal game of charades.
An AI War of Words — January 26th, 2027
Leaving their pranking days behind, Xavier Bonoro and Demetri Saunders seized the tech industry by storm when they successfully integrated AI into human brains with their app, Think4Me. According to HR reports that have since been shredded, trouble began when Saunders shouted at Bonoro to stop blasting the music of Sir Rod Stewart. Bonoro slapped back with a slight of his own, stating he needed to drown out the sound of Saunders chewing. The CEOs settled their affairs by outsourcing ChatGPT to send one another a slew of Yo Mama jokes. While doing so, they neglected security concerns and unwittingly infected humans with a toxic malware infection. In 2030, their feuding friendship was dramatized by Adam Driver and Pedro Pascal in the film, “Six Feet Under Your Mother.”
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