256 Pounds Down Today!

My very inspiring weight loss story.

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living. It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help. Today I weighed in at 6 pounds. Woop! Woop!

I should explain. I died, and my wife cremated me. I don’t know why she did that, but anyhow, great. I am at 6 pounds and I am going to go on Keto maintenance for a while. That means I can have one cheat day per week, and as long as I weigh my ashes regularly and make sure that I’m not gaining weight, I should be able to maintain this 6 pounds until at least the spring, when I have learned my wife plans on dumping my ashes in Cape Cod where we got married.

I guess then I’ll weigh about zero pounds. Until some plankton eat me. Then I will start getting fat again. Damn.

So, Keto was amazing, I lost forty pounds and got almost down to 200 when I had my heart attack and that was that. I don’t know if it was all the heavy coconut cream.. Hey I don’t want to get into that debate. Keto helped me when I thought all hope was lost, that’s all I know.

Oh! My blood sugar level is down to zero and my blood pressure is a lot lower too.

Have I mentioned that I weigh six pounds? Nobody’s calling me fatso any more. Fuck you all , naturally thin people. I win!

I’m dead, but I win!

One confession. I do miss the bread! Man, how I miss the bread….

More Simon Black satire available in paperback Down in the Dingle, Best of 2018 here.