3 Life-Changing CurlyQ™ Spiralizer Recipes For People Whose Spouses Eat All Their Food
Just one bite of these delish dishes, and you’ll forget your dipshit partner ever existed!
We’re all looking for healthy, low-carb meals these days, even those of us who live with shameless snakes in the grass who steal and consume the contents of our pantry as soon as we leave for work, go to bed, or use the restroom with the door closed. These three delish dishes, all made with the powerful and easy to use CurlyQ™ vegetable spiralizer, will surely ease the sting of blatant food theft, at home or on the go!
BREAKFAST: ZUCCHINI NOODLE FRITTATA
PREP TIME: 45 mins
Zucchini for breakfast, you say? We at CurlyQ™ say yes! Well, maybe, though — depends on what your selfish so-called romantic partner has been up to!
A quarter tank of gasoline
A forgiving perspective
1. In the tender, pre-coffee hours of the morning, discover that all of the zucchini and eggs are gone.
2. Breathe in for seven seconds, hold for two, breathe out for five.
3. Drive to Kroger to purchase zucchini and eggs which are strictly necessary for this recipe.
4. While driving, set your audiobook volume to medium. For this you can use either The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle, a peaceful meditation on the importance of living in the moment and not obsessing over the little things, or Les Misérables by Victor Hugo, a bleak saga about a man who steals food and gets what he deserves.
5. When Dave the chatty cashier says, “Back again, huh?” sprinkle a pinch of forced laughter through your teeth, just enough to make Dave wonder if he said something wrong. If other customers look over to see who the cackling weirdo is, you’ve added too much.
6. Once home, put your CurlyQ™ away, realize that you’re over this bullshit and just eat the zucchini raw like an apple. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
LUNCH: ZUCCHINI NOODLE SALAD WITH SWEET PEPPERS
Nothing like a fresh noodle salad in the middle of the dog days of summer. Just one bite of this crunchy and refreshing dish, and you’ll forget your dipshit partner ever existed!
PREP TIME: 1 hour
A red crayon
A bleak mental landscape
1. At least 24 hours ahead of time, begin sifting hints about the CurlyQ™ zucchini noodle salad you’re looking forward to making tomorrow into every conversation. Slowly incorporate more hints until the conversation has the consistency of an obsessive manifesto. (For best results, affix a red-crayoned list of necessary ingredients with a magnet to the front of the fridge. It should look as if an unhinged clown wrote it with one hand behind his back.)
2. The following morning, find the ingredients right where you left them. Allow the relief to flood through your body until suspicion begins to creep back in. Even though you know it’s ridiculous, make sure they haven’t eaten the CurlyQ™ itself.
3. Insert the spaghetti noodle attachment onto the spiralizer. Shake the mental image of the attachment making its way through your spouse’s lower intestine completely before you move on.
4. Spiralize the zucchini.
5. Mix the remaining ingredients together and place bowl in the refrigerator.
6. While the fridge is open, notice that the cherry pie you’d been saving for dessert has at least four slices missing.
7. While waiting for the zucchini to chill, google the symptoms of disordered eating, including the phrase “food kleptomania.” Find a support group message board. Create a username and begin sharing your sad story.
8. Get so wrapped up in self-pity that you forget the noodles entirely. Go to bed hungry.*
*Substitution: If you wake in the middle of the night with a roaring ache in your stomach, simply substitute sleep with eating whatever’s left of the pie while standing in the glow of the fridge.
Serves: the bastard right.
DINNER: GUILT-FREE ZUCCHINI ALFREDO WITH A COCONUT CREAM SAUCE
Alfredo — yummo! Sounds decadent, right? Conveniently doubles as the name of your fantasy spouse who bothers to ask before finishing off the sugared walnuts you bought with your sister at the farmer’s market last weekend!
PREP TIME: Two hours — or eternity — depending on who’s around to hear you scream
4 zucchini (about 2 lbs)
The will to go on
1. With just a hint of a smirk, place your index finger over the sensor on your new print-sensitive padlock. Find ingredients within your personal minifridge, glowing and immaculate.
2. Spiralize the zucchini.
3. While spiralizing, get lost in a steamy fantasy involving Alfredo watching as you spoon off the top layer of a brand-new tub of chocolate ice cream.
4. Using the flat blade on your CurlyQ™, thickly slice off the top of your index finger.
5. Reach for paper towel to staunch the blood that is now rushing into the SealTight ingredient container, but find that the roll is empty and no one has bothered to replace it.
6. Apply foul language freely while holding your hand above your head.
7. Scream for help.
8. In your flailing panic, knock over the open can of coconut milk so that it leaves a generous swath of white across your kitchen floor.
9. Gently place your left foot onto the milk and vigorously fall to the ground.
10. Lie there until your face blanches completely.
11. Succumb to the light.
12. Use your remaining time on earth to reflect on the bitter irony of it all. About 5 to 7 minutes.