4 Solutions For When Your Sex Robot Falls Out Of Love With You
What in life is more beautiful to behold than the relationship between a disheveled American man and his Japanese sex robot? Jane Austen, on her best day, could not have invoked a romance with more passion, more devotion, or more enthusiastically transferred bodily fluid than the amour between a virgin and his erotic golem. They are truly the Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy of the modern basement.
Like most hot, passionate love affairs, however, the heat between an incel and his sex robot can cool over time (particularly if the robot is stored in a cold space). Sometimes, a man like yourself will find his mechanized partner no longer feels the spark she once did — even when her battery is fully charged. Not to worry! These simple solutions will help you power-up your organic/nonorganic partnership and return that love to mint condition.
1) Turn her off and on again
Sometimes a simple reboot is all that’s required to bring back that loving feeling between you and your sex robot. The sense of emotional distance between you could be no more than an unexpected Windows update, malfunctioning Svchost.exe background process, or too many tabs open in Firefox. You want to turn her on, don’t you? Try turning her off first.
2) Dry her out
With a love like yours, it’s unavoidable that your partner will get wet from time to time. Aside from the expected you-juices, your sexbot will occasionally receive splashes of Mountain Dew Code Red, cat piss, or leaking drops of god knows what from the inexplicable stalactites hanging from your basement ceiling. While your Pentium Puss is designed to accept and compartmentalize moisture (wink wink, nudge nudge), she isn’t waterproof. Try covering her in uncooked rice for twelve hours, then reboot.
3) Send her back to the manufacturer for maintenance
Spending even one day without your Sugar Circuits feels intolerable. Sometimes, though, it’s the only way. If you’ve tried the previous two solutions without success, return her to the manufacturer for service. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all, and it also allows your woman-shaped appliance to be repaired to full functionality by a team of certified technicians who can undo the wear and tear of your relentless human/cyborg relations. When Fed-Ex drops the dismembered pieces of your Love back on the doorstep you can open the box, remove the bubble wrap and reassemble her, and then you can recklessly careen into each other’s arms for a passionate embrace.
4) Go to therapy
One thing to remember when your sex robot falls out of love with you is that your sex robot is an emotionless machine that doesn’t feel love or anything else. Any affection you received from this electrical object was purely a projection of your unconscious mind, so really, you have fallen out of love with yourself. Find a therapist in your area to help you build self-acceptance. If you can truly love yourself, you can more easily delude your affection-starved brain into believing this anthropomorphic toaster magically cares for you.
And, of course, if all else fails, try a human relationship.
Gotcha! I’m kidding, obviously. If all else fails, throw out your defective unit and purchase another machine slave who will never challenge or question you in any way. You can even give her the same name and pretend nothing has changed. Or, if you’re feeling kinky, you can sit the old unit in a corner, write alimony checks and imagine your hot, new automaton is constantly complaining about the greedy hag who’s sucking you dry. Be creative!