5 Ina Garten Staples When You Have “No Food In The House”
All made better with a *healthy* wine pour.
Peanut Butter on a Spoon Dipped in Jam
Ingredients
3–16 spoonfuls of peanut butter (creamy or crunchy)
0–25 dips into a jam jar w/congealed jam on the outside*
Directions
Step 1: Take a dirty spoon out of the sink because there are no clean spoons left. Wipe off the spoon on your shirt.
Step 2: Fill spoon up with peanut butter. I prefer creamy for this recipe because I can pretend I am eating a popsicle.
Step 3: Dip the spoon in the jam jar. I don’t like too much jam, because eating a lot of jam on its own is sort of revolting. I like to dip the spoon about halfway and just get a nice coating on top of the peanut butter. My advice is to under-jam, as you can always redip the spoon, but you can never undip the spoon.
Step 4: Enjoy! (As much as you can.)
*Jam can be substituted with jelly, honey, chocolate chips, or even Hershey’s syrup (for the completely hopeless).
Doritos Crumbs Dipped in Expired Sour Cream
Ingredients
1 almost empty bag of Doritos
1 8oz container of expired sour cream from the back of your fridge*
Directions:
Step 1: Open up the Doritos bag and fish out the biggest pieces.
Step 2: Scrape the sides of the almost empty sour cream container with the biggest pieces.
Step 3: Once all big pieces are gone, dump Doritos crumbs into whatever sour cream remains, mix, and eat like cereal.
*Check the sour cream for mold. If you see mold, eat around it.
Diced Tomatoes & Cheese Pasta
Ingredients
Any package of pasta that you have lying around
1 can of diced tomatoes that has survived 4 moves
Every almost-empty bag of shredded cheese in the fridge
Directions
Step 1: Heat up diced tomatoes in a saucepan on medium heat. Add any spices you want. I like to add salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, and maybe dried basil, if I have it. Let simmer for 5–35 minutes.
Step 2: Cook pasta according to package.
Step 3: Put as much pasta and as much sauce as you like in a bowl and stir. I prefer a heavy sauce to pasta ratio, but it honestly doesn’t matter.
Step 4: Take all bags of almost empty shredded cheese and pour them on top. I enjoy a cheddar and parm mixture, which might sound odd, but I once read that all shredded cheese contains wood chips, so I think my unique cheese flavor mixture is irrelevant.
Handfuls of Stale Cornflakes
Ingredients
Costco size box of Cornflakes living on top of the fridge since Brad and Jen broke up
Directions
Step 1: Wipe dust layer off box.
Step 2: Stick hand in box and get an overflowing handful of cornflakes.
Step 3: Shove the entire handful of cornflakes into your mouth at once with your head tilted back, facing the ceiling so gravity helps in your mission to fit as many flakes into your mouth as possible.
Step 4: Repeat until you are full or bored.
Just Order Takeout Already
Ingredients
A history of bad decision-making skills
A dash of depression*
Directions
Step 1: Look at your bank account. Decide that this is not a good financial decision because you have the ingredients for either recipe 1 or 3.
Step 2: Ignore your financial situation and order takeout.
Step 3: Receive order and realize they forgot to add your Crab Rangoons. Have a meltdown, but don’t call the restaurant because that’s too big of a stressor for your anxiety.
*You do not need an official diagnosis from your doctor. You can simply lack motivation or feel sad for whatever reason.
