5 Times Buzz Lightyear Took Off His Suit To Reveal He Was A Decaying Man Inches From Death
He defeated Zurg, but can he beat the sands of time?
“To infinity and beyond!” Everybody knows Buzz Lightyear’s infamous catchphrase, but what you might not know is that beneath his spacesuit, Buzz is a sickly 215-year-old man on the precipice of death. Kept alive only by the suit’s futuristic technology, Buzz is an inspiration to all of us who hope to defy God’s Will and live forever. Here are 5 times Buzz took off his spacesuit to reveal he was simply a weak mortal man using science to resist nature.
The Time Buzz Took Off His Suit to Shower in the Gym Locker Room
Buzz had just finished benching 250 pounds, an accomplishment that would have been much more impressive if he hadn’t used his cybernetic super-suit to accomplish it (one wonders why he even was in the gym in the first place). At the end of his workout, Buzz wanted to prove that he was one of the dudes and took off his suit to hit the showers. Unfortunately, he immediately fell onto the ground and had to be helped up. To make matters worse, after lying on the floor, Buzz’s whole body became engulfed in fungal infections.
The Time Buzz Accidentally Dropped a Bunch of M&M’s Down His Suit and Had to Take It Off to Get Them Out
Buzz was enjoying one of those movie theater boxes of M&M’s, and as he got to the bottom, he decided to toss the rest back into his mouth. This maneuver would ultimately prove ill-advised, as most of the contents spilled into Buzz’s suit and melted, which really fucked up all that complicated machinery in there. Buzz tried to open it up to get them out, but without the suit’s aid, he could not summon the strength to do so and resolved to just live the rest of his life with a bunch of melted M&M’s rolling around in his suit (which loudly rattled every time he moved). As a result, his days of stealth were behind him and he had to give up his cherished hobby of breaking and entering into people’s homes and eating all their food in the fridge.
The Time Buzz Put on a Drake Album, Took Off His Suit and Insisted The Vibes Would Keep Him Alive
The party where Buzz Lightyear drank 3 beers and took a single puff of a joint was one to remember, as it gave him the idea to take off his suit and put on a Drake album, mistakenly believing that the vibes coming from the former Degrassi star’s music would somehow be equal to the multi-billion dollar scientific effort it took to construct his spacesuit. He was of course proven wrong and barely got a minute into “God’s Plan” before his eyes started bulging out of his skull and his heart stopped. Everyone turned their heads to avoid looking at the geriatric astronaut pathetically crawling back into his suit, as they undoubtedly recognized the irony in the song choice; no human living that long is a part of God’s plan.
The Time Buzz Was About to Make Love to Margaret Thatcher But Got Winded After Giving Her Too Many Forehead Kisses Without the Life-Preserving Aid of His Spacesuit
Just like you and I, Buzz Lightyear got horny. It’s a well-known fact that Buzz Lightyear was physically, mentally, and ideologically attracted to right-wing UK prime minister, Margaret Thatcher. Sadly, after taking off his spacesuit in an ultimately impotent attempt to consummate his love with the Iron Lady, Buzz only had the strength to deliver a few dozen forehead kisses before returning to the suit in a flaccid defeat.
The Time the Star Command Intern Accidentally Opened Buzz’s Spacesuit Because He Thought Buzz Was a Statue or Big Paperweight or Something That Needed to Be Dusted Off
We’re all used to seeing Buzz Lightyear in the movies looking sexy with his expressive eyebrows, strong cheekbones, and swirly thing on his chin. However, if you saw him in person, you’d probably think he was a wax statue because his skin and eyes look so unnatural after over 2 centuries of life. This is why a Star Command intern thought that Buzz Lightyear was an inanimate object (the intern stumbled upon Buzz during one of the 11 months a year when Buzz was in a medically-induced coma) and dusted him off. The intern accidentally opened Buzz’s suit, causing Buzz to fall out and finally die. Though the intern was fired, he ended up on top, as today we now call this man New York Yankees superstar (and home run enthusiast!) Aaron Judge!
