6 Uses For Your Cardboard Cutout Now That You’re Back At The Ballpark
The flat MVP that stood in for you last season is still game for adventure.
1. Shield
Your cutout was built to withstand whatever nature throws its way: rain, hail, even another brutal Texas Rangers season. So put this champion in your game-day lineup as a shield. Using a wad of chewed gum and a jockstrap, attach your cardboard self to your wrist for protection against foul balls, drunken melees, and tiny particles of deadly virus sent airborne via the first baseman’s spit. Bonus: when you’re not at the field, this baby doubles as one helluva statement-making accessory.
2. Identical Twin
Sure, your stiff sibling may be inanimate, but you can still live out your Parent Trap fantasy (well, part of it) and pull the ‘ol switcheroo. Swap places and let your flat family member suffer —with a smile!—through your son’s Tee Ball tournament or a fight with your girlfriend (she always said you lack depth) while you make like a Los Angeles Dodger and head to the stadium. Maybe Cardboard You can also take a swing at getting your parents back together?
3. Non-Judgmental Friend Who Makes You Seem Less Creepy
There are some places where flying solo is inadvisable, like Chuck E. Cheese. Even though you just wanna pre-game with pinball and the best pizza ever, others will assume you’re a potentially dangerous weirdo. But if you’re pushing a “friend” in a wheelchair? So caring! Tip: The lookalike factor is a bit icky here, so add a wig to your cutout, and don’t forget the prop face masks (for both of you).
4. Headboard
Nothing is hotter than the smell of freshly mown grass at Wrigley — except locking eyes with yourself during sex. Any fool can put a mirror at the end of the bed, but only inventive lovers turn their own giant, whooping face into a headboard by adhering it to the wall with silly putty. Remember Field of Dreams? If you build it, they will come — even if they’ve totally lost their libido due to the anti-depressants first prescribed during lockdown.
5. Alibi
Every Dateline viewer knows that when a suspect is seen on camera miles away at the time of the crime, the prosecution strikes out. If you have a score to settle (who doesn’t?), your mute mirror image can pinch-hit: send it back to the ballpark in view of the Jumbotron while you whack your crosstown rival like Casey at the Bat.
6. Stand-In Fan at Baseball Game
Not feeling well? Your cutout will take your place in the stands to support the team — after all, it was made for the job. Yes, it super sucks to miss a doubleheader, but your throat aches, and you can hardly taste hot dogs or smell the freshly mown grass anymore. You probably wore yourself out cheering with the nice folks in your section last weekend. Enthusiasm is so contagious!
