7 Daily Habits That Changed My Life (My Life Is In Shambles)
- Watch “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” In Deep Panic
Basically, I saw this movie for the first time recently and it blew my mind. I suppose people watch it as kids and they can process it — but not me. This film flipped everything upside down, in a nightmarish way. I’ve been having it ready on my laptop every day when I wake up, just in an attempt to figure it out. I’m losing my mind. Half of my world is cartoons. When I watch actual cartoons, they look like hyper-realistic violence. An episode of Spongebob is like watching Clockwork Orange. Please help.
2. Shine My Laser Pointer at Aircraft
I bought an industrial-strength laser pointer for two reasons: One, to destroy my nemesis, an old college professor who wouldn’t give me the password to his AMC Stubs account. My plan was to camp out on the roof across from his classroom, and point the laser around, confusing his lectures. I guessed his AMC password before I could put this plan in to action. My other reason for buying a laser pointer was to set wild birds aflame, watch them roast, then feast. Possibly even sell them, starting a cheap, wild bird restaurant empire. The laser pointer didn’t work like that though. So, now I point it at aircraft every night. The Air Traffic Control Union is out to get me. Please help.
3. Smoke Cigarettes
I started smoking as an alibi for why I was out on my fire escape pointing the laser every night. Whenever I get the sense that someone in the aircraft is looking in my general direction, I light a cigarette and suck in as much smoke as I possibly can in a millisecond. After minutes of coughing, I yell at the sky, “I AM NORMAL!” This stellar guise kept the Air Traffic Control Union off my back for hours. My neighbor reminds me of my strict mother who hates smoking, so whenever she looks out her window, I quickly eat the cigarette. Please help.
4. Eat Cigarettes
If you’re some sort of puzzle-master or detective, you can piece together how this came to be from the last habit in the list. Eating cigarettes rocks. They’re like dark cylindrical salads. Far superior to Caesar. If a cigarette was named after a famous leader, like the Caesar salad, it would be the Charles Manson salad. They have so much in common. Short, white, fun as hell, crazy girls always around, and ultimately providing a strong aura of death. My shits smell like a full season of Mad Men. Please help.
5. Asking the 7–11 If It’s Free Slurpee Day
You never know. As fans of Free Slurpee Day may be aware, 7–11 must allow you to use any container you please. After doing the math, the perfect container is: my mother’s exercise ball. I will fill it with Coke Slurpee and roll it to my house. This is part of an ongoing plan to stay up past 2am, which I haven’t been able to do since being hypnotized to fear the number 201. The ball is essentially a balloon on steroids. Since she uses it every day, it is stretched and strengthened like the grass upon the bows of the Mongols, who conquered the world. Imagine what they could’ve done if they had Coke Slurpees! Or guns. Or computers. Frankly, the Mongols could’ve accomplished a lot more if they had any of our modern technology. What was I talking about again? Please help.
6. Hunt for the Stingray
In 2006, Australian God-Emperor Steve Irwin was stabbed through the heart by a merciless, slimy water Frisbee with a tail. If you ask me, the incident was part of a massive conspiracy. Irwin’s charisma would’ve put him on a political path to a united Australia, New Zealand and Tasmania, forming the new world power called Oceania. All the cool animals of these regions led by Irwin’s winning smile would put them on a path to dominate culture and media. Walt Disney’s unfrozen head simply couldn’t allow this, so he hired the stingray, still under contract from The Little Mermaid. My daily hunt for the stingray mainly consists of going to the local aquarium, finding the “Feel Tank” and pointing at the same three stingrays, one after the other. I yell “IS THIS HIM?” until I am asked to leave by Claire, the manager who’s nice to me. I want to ask her to be friends officially, but I’m too scared. Please help.
7. Make My Bed
This one is extremely important and helpful! It may seem small, but it’s little habits like this that change your life. You see, making your bed is an easy, mindless activity that cleans your space, and provides a framework for your routine. It will signal to your brain that you are up and ready to take on the day. When it’s time to sleep, climbing in and unmaking the bed signals that it is time to rest. This is one life hack you cannot miss out on!
