If trending on TikTok seems too good to be true for us Millennials, just know it probably is. But fear not, fellow Gen Y-ers: These nostalgic dance moves will help you bring it back in style and overtake those pimply-faced, trending-for-their-own-good 12-year-olds!
Here we go! Let’s crush those Zoomers with our bank-breaking grooves!
Put all your weight on your left foot and crank that right leg up behind you. Flail those arms like you’re flying first class and NOT coach like you’re definitely used to, and before you know it you’ll be impressing your 25 TikTok fans. And don’t forget to Superman those home mortgages.
The Train Dance
Bend your arm like an L and rock it up and down like you just paid down the minimum amount on your credit card. Repeat on the other side if you paid it off with a different credit card! And then finally, add an audible “woo-woo” like a choo-choo train to congratulate yourself for fully buying into the destructive American capitalistic system.
Inspired by The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, this dance requires that you swing your arms back and forth and move your head and chest forward and backwards in uncomfortable unison. Include a step-touch with your feet to the left and right, mindful not to trip over your ego, and you’re soon to impress your 30 or so TikTok fans! Add a silly smile like the character Carlton to help you forget that you’ll never be as rich as he is.
To nail this dance, put on that Cali Swag District tune and sway to the right, back to the left and then repeat it backward, minding those aching hips. Add some personal flair like swiping your forehead with each hand as if you’ve just filed your tax returns right on time!
The Running Person
We’re bringing it back with a Millennial dance move classic, the Running Man. But to bring it forward in time for fear of being canceled, we’re renaming it The Running Person.
To achieve this move, hop on your left leg and bring your right knee up. Do this on both sides so it looks like you’re running away from the imminent doom that is your 40’s without adequate healthcare.
The Shopping Cart
Unfortunately, many of you Millennials can’t relate with this, ‘cause who’s got enough money to buy a cart full of food these days, amirite? But imagine being in a supermarket with enough money to pick items off the shelf without having to compare prices or sale discounts.
And while you’re imagining, move and groove as you start scootin’ down the aisles, picking real maple syrup off the top shelf and none of that artificially flavored high-fructose corn syrup off the bottom. Add a little wave like you’re saying hello to your 31 TikTok fans and good-bye to your American dreams!
This Spanish song is sure to delight those Digital Natives who think the world has always been run on Wi-Fi, cryptocurrency, and Dunkin’ Donuts.
To really get going, extend and rotate your hands as if you’re begging for change. You should have gotten the hang of this during The Great Recession, so this part should come naturally to you!
Then, touch your shoulders, head, and hips, and give your tooshie a little touch as well. Remember to shake that booty like you did when you were still in college and ignorant of that impending enormous student debt. And don’t forget to clap those hands at the end and repeat on all four sides! You should applaud yourself for dancing in the face of economic adversity.
And remember, if you’re back to having only 25 TikTok fans because those Zoomers don’t know what real debt is all about, you can always resort to sharing your lunch on Instagram and updating your “still looking for meaningful connections and gainful employment” status on Facebook! Dance on.