7 Things You Just Gotta Do Before We all Die (Sponsored by Bank of America)

Zach Zimmerman
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readNov 16, 2018

Humanity is on the brink of collapse, greed has degraded Earth’s habitability, and destabilizing political movements are reverting us to a tribalism which will certainly herald war. Bank of America gets it! So as things fall apart, your favorite local bank brand is here to help you have some fun in your final moments. Here are 7 things you just have to check off your bucket list before it’s too late. It’s just too late.

  1. Tour the Grand Canyon. Visit one of the great natural wonders of the world before there is no more world. Save for that big trip with a Bank of America Savings Account — but act fast! Our introductory offer and the Grand Canyon won’t last long.
  2. Host a family recipe potluck. Invite your besties over for dinner and have them bring their favorite family recipes. This mash-up of dishes is an awesome way to say goodbye to your friends and their family traditions. Talk about your lives, your unfulfilled dreams, and the benefits of Bank of America’s referral program.
  3. Stock up your fallout shelter. After you‘ve built an underground bunker, it’s time to stock it with 6–600 months of food supplies. Use your Bank of America Cash Rewards card for 2% back at grocery stores — every day there is a day!
  4. Build a panic room playlist. No panic room is complete without the right tunes. Select some upbeat Spotify tracks to counteract any survivor’s guilt you might experience over time, and with Bank of America Online Banking, you can keep an eye on those pesky recurring, subscription charges that will continue even after you die.
  5. Quit your job and become an entreprener. The world is ending, so it’s time you started living like it! With the looming specter of the death of all your potential customers, there’s no time like the present to become an American entrepreneur. Start that small business you always dreamed about with a Bank of America Small Business Checking Account. Hurry!
  6. Say goodbye to all the things you love. Order your favorite rice dish from your favorite Chinese restaurant and eat it in bed watching Cheers. Go for a walk that lasts too long. Make love to music and tell the person how much you care about their happiness. Get drunk with your old college friends and sing a song that was an inside joke. Dance like no one is watching because soon no one will watch or dance. Call your parents and grandparents and tell them a memory you have to work at to remember. Hug your children. Read your favorite quote that you just found three months ago on a museum wall (“Everything we love is about to die, and that is why everything we love must be summed up, with all the high emotion of farewell, in something so beautiful we shall never forget it” — Michael Leiris). Write that quote in a humor piece. Open a Bank of America Merrill Edge roth IRA savings account.
  7. Run. For the love of all that is good, run. Just run. And be sure to make a pit stop at any of the conveniently located Bank of America ATMs across the scorched earth.

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Zach Zimmerman
Slackjaw

Comedian & Writer. Words in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Popula, The Huffington Post and disorganized Google Docs