7 Ways Jesus Can Help You Fuck The Competition
He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light of business marketing. Welcome to profit heaven.
Q: What do you get if you cross Judaism with enhanced brand perception?
A: Christianity.
Has there ever been a more successful brand than the Christian Church? 2.18 billion Christians can’t be wrong.
Market dominance like this does not happen by chance. Behind every business success story stands a shit-hot CEO, and as CEOs go, nobody matches Jesus Christ for management know-how, marketing nous, and counterintuitive business strategy.
The Son of God remains as hot today as when they made him drag his own cross up calvary hill. Even as he was being crucified, Jesus knew how to position his brand to maximum effect: how better to emphasize his goodness than to die between two thieves? That’s why we marketeers call Jesus the GOAT.
So here they are: seven of Jesus’ best GOAT moves for your business. Let Jesus help you fuck the competition.
1. Reward brand loyalty
Jesus knew the average person was a fickle fuckhead who’d follow whomsoever had the best beard. Want to keep them with you into the next tax year? Reward brand loyalty.
If you want to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.
Treasure in heaven? The beauty of Jesus’ rewards system lies in its invisibility. Who’s going to write an unfavorable review of heaven? Dead people? Fuck them. I love Jesus’ logic here.
2. Secure market exclusivity
You want a leg up on the competition? Jesus knows you need market exclusivity for your company.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light. No one comes to the Father except through me.
You see that, Buddha? Zeus, are you listening? Fuck you, tree gods! Jesus is the only game in town if you want to meet God in the time of Revelation.
3. Avoid tax collectors
Jesus had love for thieves and prostitutes, but one group was always on his naughty list— the IRS.
For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even tax collectors do the same?
“Even tax collectors” — the lowest of the low. You have Jesus’ permission to seek every tax loophole you can find. Jesus saves (you money)!
4. Take what you can, while you can
Jesus said:
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Only the earth? Do you realize what that leaves for the bold? Real estate, equity and liquid assets, motherfuckers! Jesus knows!
5. Pay your workers according to their work
And my reward is with Me, to give every man according as his work shall be.
In other words, minimum wage to the janitor, the canteen staff, and the receptionist. Unpaid internships for the creatives. Big-time bonuses for the board. Jesus loves you, CEOs!
6. Recognise your product’s worth
Man shall not live by bread alone.
Do you know what else man shall live by? Chaga Mushroom Coffee.
7. Maintain a positive brand image
Let he who is free from sin cast the first stone.
Hire digital clean-up services, delete old social media profiles, and pay off those scorned women. Only then will your image be clean enough for you to cast the first stones at your competitors. #freefromsin #fuckthecompetition
As you can see, Jesus still has a lot to teach the modern business executive. Amen to that!
Next week:
Staying Ahead of the Hindus: How Martin Luther Renewed the Church’s Brand Image by Destroying its Brand Images.
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