Autumn’s in the air, and that can only mean one thing for crafty canine lovers: it’s time to decorate your best friend with an uncomfortable outfit hobbled together from post-consumer garbage lying around your apartment.
Here are nine thrifty Halloween costumes guaranteed to demean your dog.
1. Cowardly Lion
If you’ve got yarn, a headband, and a sewing kit, you’ve got yourself a lion’s mane that your dog will instantly shred to pieces and possibly choke on.
2. Adolescent Karate Tortoise Abomination
Pups sure love pizza, but they hate it when you spray paint an aluminum turkey pan green and tie to their back. Come to think of it, you’ll never get an eye mask to stay on in a million years. Just cut your losses and tell people your dog is a regular, non-ninja turtle.
3. Pipit (Jaws victim)
Take a toy shark, rip out all the stuffing, and shove your dog inside. Not only is this costume hot and scratchy, it also says, “I think it’s funny to imagine a shark is eating you.”
4. The Good Boy Who Lived
A pair of glasses and a scarf can turn any pug into a wizard from your favorite children’s book. Dogs can’t read, but at this point they should just watch the movies anyway.
5. Santa Paws
A humorous option is to dress your dog for a holiday that isn’t Halloween. A Santa hat will stay on just long enough to get a cute picture for your Instagram feed, and says, “I’m a dog and I don’t understand the modern commercial traditions of pagan festivals. Duh!”
6. Unfaithful spouse
Put an old tie on your dog and pretend he’s your ex-husband. Loyal my ass! This is your opportunity to tell that cheating son of a bitch that you’ve moved on and barely think about him at all.
Why don’t you ask your secretary to walk you, Dave?
7. Hot dog
Dress your dogs like people food and watch them psychologically struggle to overcome their urge to eat each other like castaways on a desert island.
8. Colorful papier-mâché stereotype
Chihuahua owner? A little sombrero and some crepe paper will transform your pet into an adorable piñata! Dogs don’t understand racism, but they do understand a 6-year old chasing them around the yard with a whiffle ball bat.
9. Ungrateful offspring
There comes a time in every parent’s life when their children abandon them, and chances are they left behind some little clothes you can force onto your dog. Pull the old stroller out of the crawl space and take it door to door begging your neighbors for treats.
And in November when the trees are bone bare and the pumpkins on the porch are molding corpses, you can pretend that someone came home to visit you for Thanksgiving.
Now there’s an idea we can all be grateful for.