9 Habits Of People Who Aren’t More Successful Than Me But Who My Mother Keeps Bringing Up For Some Reason
1. Jodi’s son Kyle also wants to be a writer and he writes every day!
Mom, you need to shut up about Jodi’s son Kyle. He’s in high school. Of course he can write every day. What else does he have to do — masturbate and smoke pot? Kyle may scratch out an emo poem in algebra every morning, but has he had TWO hot takes published on feminist “news” outlet ladyjizz.com? Didn’t think so, Kyle!
AND I still have time to masturbate and smoke pot!
2. Yvonne from church got her job by going in and asking for one!
Well, the last time I did that, Conan O’Brien laughed at me, so Yvonne From Church doesn’t know anything about how a REAL job works.
Also, maybe Yvonne From Church should focus less on the “rat race” of full-time receptionist work at a Toledo medical office and more on pursuing her bliss like I am! Making fake American Airlines memes for @AmericanAirFake gives me something more important than money: fulfillment. (And I’m only one hundred followers away from having two hundred followers.)
3. Your cousin Maggie is pregnant with her second child!
Mom, I know you don’t want to face this, but your side of the family is SO trashy. I mean, who has two kids when they’re only 35?! Maggie must be a pretty shitty doctor if she can’t even figure out a condom.
4. Lisa Kudrow said on a talk show that improv classes really helped her creatively!
Sure, Mom. Maybe in the ‘90s.
5. That interesting bird is back at the birdfeeder!
Okay, that’s it. I am WAY more interesting than that bird! Did you know I change my Chipotle order almost every time I go in? Chicken or steak? Tacos or burrito bowl? Hot sauce or pico de gallo and hot sauce? You just never know with me! That’s interesting.
Meanwhile, when was the last time that bird ate anything other than seeds? I thought so.
6. When Jesus was afraid, he would go into the woods for prayer and reflection!
Well, unlike that chickenshit Jesus, I don’t get afraid of the future, Mom. I’m confident good things are coming to me just as soon as I see Conan O’Brien in Office Max again. Also, I’m looking for a career that has longevity, and Jesus basically fizzled out by the time he was thirty-three. What good is turning water into wine if after a few years you have to teach graduate students? (I’m assuming that’s what Jesus went on to do.)
7. Maggie’s first son, James, just started reading!
Ummmm… I’ve been reading for two entire decades and you don’t hear me bragging about it! In fact, I just finished reading a great book last week. Or maybe last month? Wait, I remember: it was five years ago, it was Harry Potter 4, and only reason I didn’t read the rest is that I knew J.K. Rowling was going to be problematic in the future.
Anyway, I’m more of a book writer than a book reader, so call me when James has his first idea for half a novel, okay?
8. Your father and I worry about you!
Okay, congratulations on having a hobby, I guess? I have a hobby too, it’s called “stringing loose bobby pins onto another bobby pin” and it is super fulfilling!
9. Jodi’s son Kyle got into the Creative Writing program at Boston College!
Really? Wow. That’s a pretty good program. Good for Kyle.
…Boston, though? Little chilly there! Good luck “writing” when you can’t feel your fingers, Kyle!