9 Kama Sutra Positions For Middle-Aged Americans

Sex-free options included

Christopher Shelley
Published in
2 min readMar 6, 2020


Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

The Amazon

The man sits on a chair while the woman sits on his lap, facing away from him, as they browse Amazon.com together on an iMac. When they finally locate and purchase the Lenox Butterfly Meadow 12-Ounce Dessert Bowls for $30.99 with 2-day Prime Shipping, they orgasm together.

The Star

The couple assumes a side-lying/spooning position, the man facing the back of her head, allowing him to imagine his college girlfriend Brenda, while the woman watches TV and imagines she is being spooned by Idris Elba. Sweaty, shuddering orgasms or much-needed sleep are equally likely, depending on whether Jimmy Fallon is interviewing Jameela Jamil or Mike Bloomberg.

The Door

The woman faces away from the man while the man leans against the closed door of their bedroom, guaranteeing that the kids can’t burst into the room like they did that one Thanksgiving during their depraved, post-political argument, sloppy makeup sixty-nine session, because this time the man is literally holding the door shut with his sad, deflated buttocks.

The Fixation of the Skype

Both partners Skype each other while pretending to sex-Skype a stranger.

The Recess of the Congress

The couple offers excuses to each other as to why they don’t wish to have sex that night, agree that after their summer recess they will improve their sexual connection via counseling and/or hypnosis, and no sex gets accomplished in any way.

The Union of the Snake

Both partners watch There’s Something You Should Know, Zoe Dobson’s documentary about Duran Duran, while fantasizing about John Taylor, whose elegant bass-line grooves trigger orgasmic earthquakes in the most staid vaginas and penises.

The Manual; aka One in the Hand, Two in the Bush

With their dominant hand, each manually pleasures the other. With their non-dominant hand, each holds and reads a manual for an Emerson Sensi Wi-Fi Smart Thermostat.



Christopher Shelley

Wedding Celebrant | Speaker | Emcee — Humor in Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case. Weddings: www.IlluminatingCeremonies.com