9 Kama Sutra Positions For Middle-Aged Americans
Sex-free options included
The Amazon
The man sits on a chair while the woman sits on his lap, facing away from him, as they browse Amazon.com together on an iMac. When they finally locate and purchase the Lenox Butterfly Meadow 12-Ounce Dessert Bowls for $30.99 with 2-day Prime Shipping, they orgasm together.
The Star
The couple assumes a side-lying/spooning position, the man facing the back of her head, allowing him to imagine his college girlfriend Brenda, while the woman watches TV and imagines she is being spooned by Idris Elba. Sweaty, shuddering orgasms or much-needed sleep are equally likely, depending on whether Jimmy Fallon is interviewing Jameela Jamil or Mike Bloomberg.
The Door
The woman faces away from the man while the man leans against the closed door of their bedroom, guaranteeing that the kids can’t burst into the room like they did that one Thanksgiving during their depraved, post-political argument, sloppy makeup sixty-nine session, because this time the man is literally holding the door shut with his sad, deflated buttocks.
