9 More Kama Sutra Positions For Middle-Aged Americans

Christopher Shelley
Published in
3 min readAug 13, 2020


Photo by Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash

Offer On Her

The woman stands naked in the foyer, surrounded by unopened mail, while the man sensually brushes her flesh with an offer for a 25% discount on a Tempurpedic mattress.

Bi-Focal Curious

The man and woman glide into their usual preferred lovemaking position, but each wears the other’s reading glasses so everything looks completely different.

After The Commute, Before ‘Jeopardy’

The woman leans over as if beginning a handstand while the man lifts her legs the way he’d carry a rolled-up 10’ x 13’ Tabriz Persian rug from a Pier 1 Imports into a Toyota Sienna mini-van. They shudder with pleasure like a rusty wheelbarrow being pushed down a cobblestoned lane while trading anecdotes about their day.

Red River Rise and Fall

The woman rides the man with the languid rhythm of a carousel horse while they both monitor their blood pressure on MOCACuff Wireless Bluetooth Wrist Blood Pressure Monitors before, during and after orgasm, ensuring that the reading stays near or beneath the 120/80 recommended by their doctors.

The Bond Leading The Bond

While hurtling from California to Colorado in an Amtrak sleeper car, the man and woman intertwine their bodies on a narrow bottom bunk. The woman squeezes her eyes shut and pretends that the man is Daniel Craig, while the man scrunches his eyes shut and pretends that he is Daniel Craig.

Filling The Bubble

Nestled together on a hammock-like endangered fish in a net, the woman exercises her right to vote by slapping her absentee ballot against the man’s abs and filling in the bubbles for her choice of Presidential and down-ballot candidates while they listen to Pod Save America; both orgasm when Tommy Vietor interviews Pete Buttigieg.

Ivy League Celebration

Alone in the house for the first time in eighteen years, the woman kneels on the edge of the dining room table while the man stands behind her as if he’s about to make a toast. As she accepts his body into hers with the intensity of a tree…



Christopher Shelley

Wedding Celebrant | Speaker | Emcee — Humor in Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case. Weddings: www.IlluminatingCeremonies.com