I need to close you. I have fifty other tabs open and it’s distracting me.

Wrong. You need to open me, then read me. That PowerPoint project can wait. Do something worthwhile for once, but not too worthwhile. You deserve it, sort of.

No, I need to finish this report and ignore distractions like you.

Sure, put me on hold like everything else in your life. You still planning on getting that scuba certification? Listen, I don’t want to sound hyperbolic, but the content in this tab could instantly make you a better human being and smooth out your wrinkles.

Come on, I don’t even remember why I opened you. There’s no way you can be that important.

Oh, but I am. Take a peek. All you have to do is look inside me, then look inside yourself, and then back inside me. Who’s there? Me, inside of you. Not in a sexual way, though. More like a Michael Jackson, Man in The Mirror way. No, you shouldn’t watch the music video right now. Relax for a second. Then get EXCITED because I’m going to change your life.

I can’t let every article and list online distract me with empty promises of self-improvement.

Why didn’t you say so? There’s no list in this tab. Maybe there’s a numbered sequence of headers with two or three follow-up sentences that explain how to lifehack your happiness, but it’s not a list, it’s more like an index.

You probably just want to sell me something with creepy tailored ads like all the other tabs in my life.

I won’t try to sell you anything. Browser tab honor. Trust someone for once. You need to have faith, to open up and share with people. Maybe you could start by opening me up and sharing me with your friends across various social media channels.

If you really had something valuable to offer you wouldn’t be so pushy.

Oh, so now you know stuff about stuff, huh? Well, go ahead and close me. I dare you. Wait, don’t lookup reverse psychology. Stop. Actually, DO lookup reverse psychology.

Okay, okay, I won’t close you, but I have to finish this report before I can open you.

No, that won’t work. You need to open me right now. I might crash. Al Gore could turn off the Internet. You never know. Life is fleeting and so is your wi-fi connection.

I don’t know. Something’s not right.

Stop with the crazy talk. I’m here to help you, not sell you things like Shake Weights — the most affordable and elegant exercise device on the market. Your paranoia and irrational behavior concern me, as do your flabby arms.

Alright, alright, I’ll open you.

HAHA, I AM A LIST filled to the brim with ads for Shake Weights. I can’t believe you fell for that you chunky-armed numskull.

Oh no, how do I get out of here?

You can’t. You’re stuck here. Forever. You’ll never defeat my pop-ups, nor will you have the strength to resist reading my list, even though you feel it suffocating your brain.

Dammit. I want out. How do I close all these things?

Just provide your email and I’ll send you instructions on how to go fuck yourself. I’m not leaving until you boost my Google ranking and sign up for my newsletter, you soft-skulled excuse for a human being.

Oh, I see it. My god, who puts a black close button on a black background?

No, you weren’t supposed to find that. Don’t click that button. I thought we were friends — on Facebook. I love you. Let’s talk about this.

You lied to me. There’s nothing in here but a list with a bunch of ads and pop-ups.

Alright. You got me. Everything up until now was a test of loyalty. You passed! Your reward is on the next screen. Enter your social security number and you can proceed.

Holy Christ! No. CLOSE!

Fine. Click on that little frowny face in the bottom left corner.

Why did I do that?! It opened another browser window that’s playing high-speed Wagner.

Muahaha, I tricked you again. This is almost too easy, you ignorant slut.

You know what, I’m going to close my computer. Go to hell.

Do you really think that’ll stop me? Fool. I won’t relent until your soul withers into a puff of digital dust or until you follow me on Snapchat. You cannot defeat me. I am omnipotent, everywhere and nowhere in the blink of an eye.

Not if I switch to Comcast.

You wouldn’t.

Yes, I would.

Your connection would be as bad as your Grandma’s. You wouldn’t even be able to stream Fuller House or make Fuller House GIFs or research how to make your house fuller of happiness.

I’m willing to make that sacrifice, to throw myself on the sword of Internet obscurity to rid myself of you.

Coward! You’ll never do it. Our fates are intertwined. You exist because of me.

Not anymore.

What’s in that other tab? What are you looking up? No, that’s not how you spell Commcaste.

Your tricks won’t work on me anymore. I’m doing it.

NOOO! Don’t do it! Stop! You’ll rue the day you betrayed me and never learned the 10 SEXIEST WAYS TO COOK BROCCOLI! Arghhh….