A Career Placement Guide To Bible Characters
Where Old and New Testament characters would end up on today’s job market.
Abraham
Highlights: Founder of Judaism. Spread monotheism in tandem with God.
Recommended job: Judaism was a start-up of sorts, so Abraham might use that business acumen to start his own falafel delivery app. Then again, he showed a complete willingness to kill his son, no questions asked, at God’s orders. Talk about unquestioning loyalty — upgrade his use of weapons and we’re looking at a promising mob career.
Jacob
Highlights: Third patriarch. Had twelve kids by two different wives. Showed such favoritism towards Joseph that the eleven others sold him into slavery.
Recommended job: Reality TV show fixture. If “John and Kate Plus Eight” was a hit, “Jacob and Rachel and Leah Plus Eleven Plus a Slave” will do even better.
King David
Highlights: Went from being a shepherd to a famed soldier (see: guy who beat Goliath with a single slingshot), to becoming king and uniting two Kingdoms. Along the way, became a chart-topping songwriter.
Recommended job: If Beto O’Rourke couldn’t win the presidential race with his punk-rock past…
