Me: Hey, WebMD, I’m currently experiencing some cramping even though my period was last week. Just wondering if it’s something I should worry about.
WebMD: Pregnant.
Me: No, that’s probably not it. I started back on the pill last month because my period felt like my body was trying to murder me chest-burster style so I think I’m okay there. Like I haven’t missed a pill.
WebMD: That’s only like 99% effective and you would be that 1%. I mean, you’re Irish-Catholic. Your boyfriend could probably sneeze on you and you’d get pregnant. Literally every woman on Yahoo Answers has gotten pregnant on the pill. Google it. I’ll give you a second.
Me: Jesus.
WebMD: Yeah, His mom didn’t think she could get pregnant either.
Me: This all just feels really insensitive, WebMD. I just want to know if I should see my doctor. Cervical Dysplasia runs in my family.
WebMD: Remember that time you convinced your mom not to make you get the HPV vaccine because your friend said it hurt and you were scared?
Me: I don’t feel like this is necessary.
WebMD: You’re pregnant with the human manifestation of Cervical Cancer.
Me: Is that a real thing?!
WebMD: Okay but what if you were pregnant but you kept taking your migraine meds and also you were getting your period still like those people on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant so you didn’t stop and then your baby came out like Rachel Dratch in that SNL skit from the 90s where she plays a clone with a foot on its head?
Me: Why would you even suggest that? That seems really unprofessional.
WebMD: It sounds like you’re so pregnant the fetus is already a teenager that hates you.
Me: Okay, see now I have to call my doctor and she’s in Santa Monica and she can only ever see me at like 11, which is apparently when everyone’s grandmother needs to drive 10MPH down Pico and the parking is like $15 and her receptionist is really rude to me. This is what I was trying to avoid!
WebMD: Preg-
Me: Hoe don’t do it.
WebMD: -nant.
Me: Fuck this, I’m going to Planned Parenthood’s website. They’ve got live support.
