A Cup of Coffee Meets a Bagel
COFFEE: Hi, are you Bagel?
BAGEL: Yeah, you must be Coffee. Nice to meet you.
(They hug. Coffee accidentally burns Bagel.)
COFFEE: Sorry!
BAGEL: It’s fine.
(There is an awkward silence.)
COFFEE: How’s your day going?
BAGEL: It’s all right. Doubt I’ll make it alive until tomorrow. Bakery’s still open for another two hours.
COFFEE: Yikes. Well, it’s nice to finally meet you. You…look different from your picture.
BAGEL: Excuse me?
COFFEE: (steam drops gather on Coffee’s forehead) No, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that your picture showed that you have sesame seeds and sun-dried blueberries.
BAGEL: It’s an old photo from this morning.
COFFEE: Look, it’s not like I have anything against plain whole wheat. I just wasn’t expecting this.
BAGEL: Hey, fuck you.
(Coffee perspires more.)
BAGEL (cont’d): Sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s been a stressful day. My whole family died by lunchtime.
COFFEE: I had no idea…I’m sorry. Look, you seem nice. We clearly got off on the wrong foot. Let’s just start over, OK?
BAGEL: (takes deep breath) OK.
COFFEE: So, tell me a bit about yourself.
BAGEL: Well, I’ve lived in the same town for all my life. Currently in between jobs, but I’m hoping to eventually move out of this bakery. Maybe go gluten-free, I don’t know?
COFFEE: Yeah, totally. There’s a whole world out there, waiting to be explored. Life’s too short to be living in the same bakery your whole life.
BAGEL: Yeah! Wow, nobody’s been able to really understand me. Not even my BFF, sourdough.
COFFEE: Really? I feel the exact same way.
BAGEL: I can’t believe we didn’t meet sooner. I feel like I could talk to you for hours, even over the noise of the espresso machine.
COFFEE: Me too.
(There is an awkward silence.)
BAGEL: Do you have any favorite shows on Netflix?
COFFEE: I love Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. That show is hilarious.
BAGEL: I love that show! I’m currently re-watching Gilmore Girls. I can be such a Lorelai sometimes.
(There is another awkward silence.)
COFFEE: What are you doing after?
BAGEL: Not much.
COFFEE: Want to join me for a drink at my place and watch House Hunters?
(Bagel blushes and twirls its dough.)
BAGEL: Yeah, I’d like that.
BARISTA: Order for Beth! One plain whole wheat bagel with a large non-fat soy vanilla latte!
COFFEE: You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re also seeing Latte?
BAGEL: Hey, I’m keeping my options open. Latte’s got a lot to offer, after all. Who wouldn’t want a dash of cream, frothiness, and empty calories?
COFFEE: So, essentially a fuckboy?
BAGEL: Yeah, basically.
COFFEE: …
BAGEL: You’re a nice cup, but I’m not looking for anything serious right now. It was nice meeting you, though!
LATTE: Later bro!
Bagel and Latte leave with Beth.
COFFEE: Fuck this bakery.
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