A Definitely Qualified Astronaut Looking For Work

Marcela Onyango
Oct 3 · 3 min read
Photo by Niketh Vellanki on Unsplash

Dear Hiring Manager at NASA,

I would like to be an astronaut for NASA’s next deep space mission because it will bequeath me an opportunity to utilize the skills I’ve acquired from reading 10 articles about space from The Atlantic. My passion for space was awakened by watching the new Star Trek: Discovery series. And, as an avid reader of The Atlantic, I believe all those articles I have read give me a solid foundation for the Astronaut role at NASA and will enable me to make a momentous impact on space travel.

Firstly, I have deep knowledge about an astronaut’s daily regime, which I acquired from reading The Atlantic article, “5200 Days in Space.” From this article, I learned that there are two types of astronauts: those who sleep with their arms outside the sleeping bag and those who sleep with their arms inside the sleeping bag. This knowledge equips me with invaluable information on how to efficiently sleep in space, therefore making me a well-rested astronaut.

My expertise on how astronauts sleep has catapulted me to the position of “Space Expert” in my friend group, which is a significant promotion from being “The Late One.” In my current role as Space Expert, I’ve shared information about “The True Price of Privatizing Space,” which was one of the 10 articles about space from The Atlantic that I have read. (Reiterating the 10 articles just in case you forgot.)

Nonetheless, the aforementioned article states the importance of meritocracy in determining who travels to space. My merit for space travel has been demonstrated by my ability of glancing through Atlantic article headlines and identifying the most educational article about space. Being able to identify the most informational article is an invaluable capability that imbues an Astronaut with the dexterity to make quick and intelligent decisions, which can only be acquired by reading 10 of those 10,000-word Atlantic articles.

I would like to mention another invaluable attribute that would make me a wonderful astronaut. Just like an Atlantic article, just when you think it’s over, there’s so much more. I didn’t want to end this letter before mentioning my last attribute that qualifies me for this position. This is, of course, just the last attribute that I will mention in this letter; I have other attributes, which I’ll be happy to discuss in the interview. Sorry I digress, I shouldn’t be mentioning the interview in this paragraph.

Let’s talk about that last attribute, which is patience. Being patient is an important trait for astronauts. And I possess an uncontested amount of patience because I’m an Atlantic reader who reads every single word of those long articles. Most people don’t have the persistence to finish an Atlantic article, they drop off once they scroll and realize there’s a lot more scrolling in their future, but not me. I scroll and read until the bitter end. Hence, I can attest to the fact that I have the patience to be in space for over 1000 days because that’s how long it took me to read all 10 of those Atlantic articles.

I firmly believe that my previous relevant work experience of reading 10 Atlantic articles about space and being the Space Expert of my friend group will enable me to be a successful astronaut at NASA. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me on the comments section of Atlantic articles about space. I’m an expert in space, hence that is all that I read. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Definitely Qualified Astronaut

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to sarah james

Marcela Onyango

Written by

I try to make serious things funny.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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