A Father Of Teenagers Makes His First And Last Unboxing Video
[Video starts with a shot of the front door opening to reveal a box sitting on the front porch.]
Oh, great! One more box. It’s been two hours since we had a delivery and I was starting to worry I’d died or something. Who ordered this? Someone in this house is the guilty party.
Where do they all come from? Did the Tooth Fairy take a retirement gig with Amazon just to torture me with cardboard cubes stuffed with consumer crap?
[Picks up box and carries it inside.]
Okay, hello everyone! If no one comes down here to deal with this, I’m opening it. Whatever’s in it becomes mine in three… two… one. Okay, it’s mine.
Let’s see what’s in here. Oh man, this new tape they use is hard to get off.
[Goes to cupboard.]
I’ll use my handy multitool. Hey, who took the multitool and didn’t put it back! This is not acceptable. No one should be touching my tools! Is anyone listening?
I’ll use just the scissors.
[Returns to box, which is set on the floor in the kitchen.]
Now you can see I’m opening the box, and I have no idea what’s in it. We’ll just find out together what someone spent my hard-earned money on. Somehow someone in this house logged into my Amazon account and placed an order for something they must have truly needed, I’m sure. [Shouting at the ceiling.] You all realize that’s technically a federal crime, right? I could report you all and get the TV to myself when they arrest you!
Okay, it’s plastic air pockets. It’s lots of air pockets. Jesus, why did they use such a huge box? It’s really a conspiracy to drive me mad. Do you know who has to deal with all these boxes? Who has to break them down, flatten them, and carry them to the end of the driveway every Thursday before 7:00 a.m.? That’s me. Do you know who gets all the fun stuff inside the boxes? That’s not me.
I still can’t see what’s in there. When I was a teenager, all I wanted was CDs so I could listen to music. Now they have Spotify, so why do they need anything else? I’d have been in bliss. I wouldn’t have ordered any more crap.
Oh, here we have something. Oh good, it’s more plastic packaging, as you can see. Some porpoise somewhere will enjoy choking on this someday. And what is inside this cocoon of polyethylene? “Denim Applique Kit.” I’m guessing that means the jeans I spent $100 on aren’t good enough, so you need to spend more to get these rainbow stripe designs. And the really great thing is after you put these on your clothes, you can change your mind and decide you hate them and get your dad to buy you new jeans. So, that’s how that works. Glad we have that in the house.
Okay, the next mystery item to emerge is in a box. It has pictures of a video game controller but it’s not big enough to be a controller. It’s… Oh, I see, it’s foam tape to make “your gaming experience more comfortable and ergonomic.” That’s fantastic. I’d hate for my son’s thumbs to get sore. That might keep him from putting in a full eight hours of slacking. I mean, he might end up having to step out of his room while it’s still daylight then.
Okay, there’s one item left in here. Shall we see what it is? This is so exciting.
Does anyone remember when Amazon sold books and people would read them? Just asking.
And here it is, our big finale. It’s a nice pink box. Fits easily in your hand. And it says, “Home Pregnancy Test.” What? Oh God, no!
[Video ends.]
