A Friendly Reminder That I, Your Drug Dealer, Am Switching To The Barter System
I’m really good at equating handfuls of weed to stuff you might have lying around your apartment.
What’s up? It’s me, Seth, your drug dealer. I’m about to be at your house in like five minutes, so if you could be outside when I get there that would be awesome. Oh yeah, before you come out, I need to remind you that I’m no longer accepting cash, Venmo, Cash App, gold, personal checks, or Discover card payments in exchange for drugs anymore. I’m switching to the barter system.
You remember the barter system from Mrs. Havermeyer’s sixth-grade humanities class, right? Well, my barter system works pretty much like the one from Mesopotamia, except instead of trading goat jerky for copper bowls you can get totally baked if you give me your djembe.
Let me start off by assuring you that what the barter system lacks in convenience it more than makes up for in plausible deniability. No judge is going to care where I got this sweet Mongoose bike that I’m about to roll up in in like 15 minutes. But it looked really suspicious when they subpoenaed my $120 Venmo request that read, “For the weed I sold you. Sorry you got sick waiting outside for me.”
On top of that, the barter system is more than just an easy way for me to furnish my Mom’s apartment. It’s a serious opportunity for trade-ups. My weed connect started out with a ballpoint pen and 50 pounds of Northern Lights and he’s already bartered his way up to a Vespa. He’s probably 30 trades away from getting his own helicopter so he can fly directly to Mexico to score. Pretty rad.
You must be thinking to yourself: Seth, are you here yet? Also, how is the exchange of goods for other goods as opposed to paper or digital currency supposed to work with weed?
First of all, I’m around the corner; be outside. Second, it’s simple.
I’m carrying around a backpack full of primo product like Sour Tsunami and Mango Kush and I’m really good at equating handfuls of those to stuff you might have lying around your apartment. For example, I would trade you a fistful of Skunk №1 for an immersion blender and a picture of your sister, Katie. I’ve gotten really into making smoothies lately, and Katie. I might be willing to haggle for a classic blender and a pair of Katie’s socks. Does she ever ask about me?
Anyway, if you don’t have a plethora of old kitchen appliances or any of your sister’s possessions that you’re willing to part with, not to worry. I don’t only trade material goods for high-quality reefer — I also accept experiences.
Remember when we went on that field trip with Mrs. Havermeyer’s class to the American Museum of Natural History? We could do that again, except this time I trade you some bud for two tickets to Six Flags Great Adventure. It would be just like old times. And before you ask, I don’t consider the 45 minutes that we chit-chat when you pick up from me “an experience.” We do that because we go way back. Sixth grade.
I’ll be at your place any second, but I put together a pricing guide to better explain the weed barter system, things I enjoy, and hopefully the metric system.
I’ll be at your place in ten minutes. Come out now! And bring that picture of Katie.
