A Home Workout For Anxiety And Depression
Feel tired and a little sweaty with little to no actual movement!
Warmup:
Drink three cups of coffee to make up for your poor sleep habits. Now, try and focus long enough to write one simple email. (15 minutes)
Core:
Consider texting your friend until you can come up with a reason why saying “Hi” might be interpreted as hostility. (10 reps)
Think “You’ve barely eaten anything today. You should eat something.” Then don’t eat. (20 reps)
Open your phone to try and write out some affirmations. Forget what you were doing by the time you unlock the phone. (10 reps)
Nervous shits (Uncontrollable)
Consider texting your friend until you can imagine them saying to a co-worker, “Sorry, that was nothing. Just my dumb ex-friend writing me. He gets nervous shits, you know. So embarrassing.” (10 reps)
Rest:
Lay down to watch something on YouTube. Stay in bed for an hour.
Cross Training:
(Repeat the circuit three times or until you lose interest and start doom-scrolling through TikTok)
Say something aggressive to your houseplant that you really should have said to your mother the last time you were on the phone. (30 seconds)
Take an Advil for your headache so you can complain to your roommate without them saying, “Well, if your head hurts so much, then why don’t you take an Advil?” (30 seconds)
Wait for your roommate to come into the living room so you can complain about your headache. (90 seconds)
Text your roommate (who is apparently “staying at Elli’s apartment tonight,” la-di-fucking-da) to complain about your headache. (30 seconds)
Water your houseplant as an apology for what you said. DO NOT consider the possibility that water might make you feel better, too. (60 seconds)
Cool down:
Stand at the window and look at that one empty apartment where the light is always on. (3 months)
