A Keto Influencer Reviews “The Fattiest” Brasilia Steakhouse
Damn, there’s more grease in this thing than in a Jiffy Lube.
Greetings, YouTube followers. It’s Kyle, the one-and-only King of Keto. Thanks for joining me on a visit to Brasilia Steakhouse, the self-proclaimed “Keto-Friendliest Restaurant in America.” To test that claim, I’ll be eating skewer after skewer of what had better be fatty, fatty proteins.
I’m gonna see if the maître d’ wants to give a shout out to you guys. And, he does not. His loss, since he could have promoted his restaurant to the 856,000 devoted followers of Keto Kyle.
Here comes the first skewer. My mouth is already watering from the oily smell of this place.
Filet Mignon Skewer
Nice! Tender, well marbled filet mignon makes the perfect appetizer for a fatty meal. I would have walked straight out the door if they’d brought me a skewer full of carby canapés.
Linguica Skewer
Never heard the word linguica, but what an elegant name for pork sausage. Damn, there’s more grease in this thing than in a Jiffy Lube. You can probably see the droplets that just sprayed my phone. This is exactly what I need to keep me in ketosis.
Lamb Chop Skewer
Why the hell would I want to eat a baby sheep slaughtered before it had the chance to gain even one ounce of fat? Now, I wish I’d taken ten or eleven more feet of the linguica to tide me over until I get something fattier.
Chicken Drumstick Skewer
Let me pull the skin off these, and you can take the rest of that dry shit away. Us Keto Warriors should always be thinking. Always be proactive. Fight for the fat, amirite?
Bacon-Wrapped Ribeye Skewer
Ribeye, the créme de la créme of steaks. Fifteen glorious grams of creamy saturated fat in every six-ounce portion. The strip of bacon strapped around it is icing on the cake. Which is a stupid fucking saying. Pure sugar smeared on a baked mound of flour and sugar is an abomination. A smarter way to describe the enhancement of an already good thing would be, “That’s thick-cut bacon on the ribeye.” And, I just ejaculated.
I’ll take eight more slices, please.
Flank Steak Skewer
Flank steak? Really? Hard pass. A catcher’s mitt has more fat.
Brasilia needs to step up their game. Waiter, do you have foie gras? Of course I know it’s the liver of a force-fed duck and because it’s soft, buttery fat it’s too fragile to put on a skewer. Duh. If you have some, bring me a large bowl, please.
Foie Gras Bowl
Fuck this is good. I think I’ve died and gone to keto heaven. I died from a fatty embolism. Gotcha! That’s a made-up thing. The keto deniers want us to believe that eating so much fat can cause organ damage and atherosclerosis. I’ve been doing keto for fifteen years and the only hardened arteries I have are in my dick, because fatty food gives me a boner.
Pineapple (?) Skewer
That looks like a pineapple. Do you have any FUCKING idea how many carbs are in pineapple? Do you? Even if it was grilled under a rack of dripping bacon, it’s still a carb-bomb.
Salad Bar Dessert Dishes
The salad bar has a ton of keto-friendly options for dessert. I’m finishing my meal with two links of salami, a smoked salmon, and twenty different imported cheeses.
Any new viewers out there, don’t forget to smash that ‘Follow’ button. Also, if all of you could Venmo five dollars each, that would be awesome. I didn’t bring my wallet. The meal is comped because I’m a macro-influencer, but I’d like to leave a tip for the server who brought me the bacon-wrapped ribeye.
There were some disappointing skewers but, overall, I give Brasilia Four Sticks of Land O Lakes Salted Butter. Remember, Ketoheads, ‘Fat is Phat.’”