A Leaked Email From JIF Peanut Butter’s Brand Manager to An Influencer

When reached for comment, the manager stated that he “followed JIF policy to a T.”

Michael Kellman
Mar 30 · 3 min read
Photo courtesy of Adrian Eppley.

By Alec Winshel and Michael Kellman

To: MarnieWilbesh@gmail.com; Chaddrey-Stevens@CAA.org

From: Daschell.Helmut@JIFF.com

Sent at 3:30 AM from my iPhone

Marnie,

Hope you’re having a super day! I’m a huge fan who also happens to be a social engineer with JIF’s Peanut Butter Influence Management team. We here at JIF absolutely adore your brand! No one mixes relatable content with inhuman beauty quite like you.

I’m reaching out to see if you would be interested in representing us as a brand ambassador. Our identity as the premiere down-to-earth-but-scandalous peanut butter positions us as your perfect collaborator.

This content should have the Marnie touch, of course, but we’ve been workshopping a few ideas with our interns. Here are a few possibilities:

  • Taking a big drink of water out of a used jar of JIF. Possible captions include: “Reduce, reuse, recycle [world emoji] I’m doing my part and so is JIF” or “Ok serve! this water tastes just like peanut butter [happy emoji].”
  • A shot of your computer with The Office playing and an empty jar of JIF’s Creamy Peanut Butter beside it. You might say: “Owie, my tummy hurts [devil face emoji] but not from eating all this Creamy PB — it’s from laughing so hard at Michael Scott’s antics.”
  • Covering your ex’s (the one you keep posting about — he seems like such a jerk, by the way, I’m totally on your side) car in seventeen jars of JIF’s Creamy Peanut Butter With Omega-3.
  • Using a mostly empty jar of JIF as a bathroom when on a long hike — perhaps to the Hollywood Sign!
  • Documenting a JIF cleanse during which you only eat, drink, and bathe in (JIF’s) peanut butter for two weeks. Before and after pics too! Possible caption: “Before [caterpillar emoji], After [butterfly emoji].”

We’d be happy to reshare your posts on our own Instagram page, which we are currently figuring out how to set up.

One more thing: JIF is totally cool with the mature themes in your content. We absolutely “stan” your willingness to be outspoken about mental health. We draw the line, however, at any content that might offend the larger JIF audience. We’re a family-first company that’s currently being investigated by the FDA for various abuses, so it’d be best for you to stay away from any controversial political opinions or any statements that could be seen as implying that our product is made from peanuts. This will not be tolerated and, should we reach an agreement — I hope we do! — will result in immediate termination and revocation of JIF lifetime membership, which includes the peanut butter sauna.

Okeee! I think that covers everything.

Huge fan, hope to hear back from you.

Sincerely,

Daschell Helmut

Social Engineer @ JIF

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Michael Kellman

Written by

Writer, Filmmaker, Comedian, Improviser, Geologist. Top writer in ‘Satire’ and ‘Humor’.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Michael Kellman

Written by

Writer, Filmmaker, Comedian, Improviser, Geologist. Top writer in ‘Satire’ and ‘Humor’.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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