A Letter From The Man Who Just Ended Your Situationship
Even though I said multiple times you should come with me to Argentina next month doesn’t mean this was a serious thing
It’s come to my attention that you were caught off guard when I texted you yesterday to say we should end whatever it was that we’ve been doing. I want to be clear that it wasn’t a breakup text, because that would mean we were actually dating, which we weren’t.
You and I had both acknowledged through my power of mind-reading that labels are silly. Boyfriend, girlfriend? What are we, in middle school? As adults, why would we have gone through the effort of defining things when we could just drunkenly agree one night that we’re not seeing anyone else, but also not not seeing anyone else.
Ok yes, I introduced you to all my friends and told them you might be ‘the one.’ Maybe you even got added to my family group chat (my uncle said he’s gonna miss your gifs). And yeah I drove 7 1/2 hours to pick up blueberry crumble ice cream from that place in Maine because you mentioned it was your favorite. But I’m not sure what conclusions you could have drawn, because all of that is just basic human decency. If anything, blame my mom for teaching me to treat women with respect.
I know I’ve been sleeping at your place so much that I have my own labeled Brita in your fridge, but crashing at each others’ places is just what friends do. When I was 5 and my parents were divorcing, I had so many sleepovers at my friend Kevin’s house and he never once assumed that it was because I considered him marriage material.
Even though I said multiple times you should come with me to Argentina next month doesn’t mean I was implying this was a serious thing. I offer to cover international flights for practical strangers all the time — I’m just a nice guy like that.
I guess I’m confused why you’re so confused, because I always thought what we had was casual. Like holey sweatpants on a Sunday morning casual. Speaking of — can you return those gray joggers you borrowed the same morning I said I wanted to impregnate you?
If we’re both being honest there were blatant red flags along the way. Remember when your friend saw that I updated my Hinge profile after we celebrated Valentine’s Day together? Just because I cried, apologized profusely, and begged you to forgive me because “I literally wouldn’t know how to go back to a life without you in it” doesn’t mean I was ready to commit. Sorry babe, that’s how the emotionally unavailable cookie crumbles.
I was starting to get the impression that you might want something more serious than I was looking for when you started asking questions like “how was your day?” After the brief 11 months we shared, I was hoping we could just mutually ghost each other, but you didn’t seem to translate the silent treatment. So here we are — see how much more complicated it is to have to talk through things?
All that aside, I promise, you didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you were such a good pro bono therapist that you helped me realize I really need to spend some time alone and not rely on women for emotional support. The new girl I’m already talking to will definitely appreciate the strides you made unpacking the inner tension between my Gemini moon and Scorpio rising placements.
So I guess this is goodbye — at least until 3 months from now when I swipe up on your Instagram story with a flame emoji.
