A Letter Pleading For In-Person Church Services From That Parishioner Who’s Super Extra
It is the Lord’s will.
Dear Pastor Falls,
It’s me: The guy that sings “Lord I Lift Your Name On High” so loudly that he can be heard on the other side of the sanctuary. I’ve missed our post-sermon chats over these past several months since I still haven’t been able to catch you before you end the Zoom webinar. Also, I think my emails are getting lost because I haven’t received responses to any of my prayer requests for some time. So, I’m sending this letter by certified mail to ask you to please, for the love of God, bring back in-person services.
I feel so distant from Christ. It’s not that what you’re doing is bad. Everybody has their way of communicating with God. Some do it through listening to sermons, silent prayer, or reading the Bible. For me, ever since I sang an impromptu solo during a Christmas pageant at age six, God only appears when I’m in the sanctuary adulating like a maniac and drawing attention to myself.
So, if I’m on mute with my video off, God won’t see my grand entrance in my Sunday best (a gold sear sucker suit, matching hat, and an unlit cigar) or that it’s me in the front row moaning so gutturally during prayer that my wife has to elbow me in the side. I know because I tried it during the first virtual service and was so detached from our savior that I lost my voice entirely. Also, the howling noises my dog made in response to my outfit seemed vaguely pagan.
Look. I know that COVID is real and needs to be taken seriously. I’m not one of those deniers like Elder Washburn (Side note: If you need to replace him because of his Facebook posts I have a GREAT candidate). For safety’s sake, we can wear masks and only bring back the families who’ve proven their dedication through church missions. That should be enough of a crowd to notice me contorting my body into an upside-down capital L during “Amazing Grace” that my communication line to Yahweh opens up again. I’ve been trying to grab his attention at home so badly that I’ve been throwing my back out!
These services must be hurting the church too. I used to drop a crisp Benny in the bucket that I’d written my name on in bold letters so everyone would be encouraged to give more (I’m sure that was at least 50% responsible for the money that paid for the indoor basketball court), but if we’re sending virtual offerings then how are people being encouraged to give more and how will God see that I love him $100 worth and keep that spot for me in heaven? God doesn’t get Zelle receipts!!!
Also, I didn’t want to say this, but it feels like these virtual services are an excuse to get me out of your way because you’re jealous of my relationship with God. I know COVID’s dangerous and we’ve had a few members of the church die from it (RIP to Janet and that Jello Salad recipe. They’ll be missed), but I saw the look of contempt on your face during services when I would tell my seating section about the time I was saved. I’ve totally gotten six people to convert with that story. How many have YOU saved, pastor?
I also know you were campaigning to get me to stop rushing the stage during baptisms because I would get so overcome by the Lord’s spirit that I needed to grab a microphone and speak in tongues. You’ve never shown that kind of passion, and I’m sure it doesn’t look good for a pastor to be outshined by one of his parishioners. I hope I’m wrong.
So please: end these virtual services. I can’t imagine what the wrath of God will look like if he’s asked to go any longer without communicating with one of his favorite followers. I mean, it can’t be a coincidence that over 350,000 people have died since the last time he and I spoke. Do the right thing, pastor.
God Bless,
Mr. Reginald T Clearwater IV
PS. Seriously, though. You don’t have COVID, do you? If you do, I can totally take over the church while you’re gone.
