A Letter To Titanic’s Rose From Her Late Husband Mr. Calvert
Who knew that the biggest iceberg of all was inside your heart?
My Dearest Rose,
Hey, hon. Heard you finally made it over to the other side. Quick question, my love — how is it that I’ve waited so long to finally be reunited with you, only to find out from a nameless string quartet that you already had a welcome reception over at Dreamland Titanic with some guy named Jack?
Uh, honey, may I remind you that WE WERE MARRIED FOR 57 YEARS?!? We have children together, for Christ’s sake!
Look, I get that revisiting the time when you stuck it to your rich, overbearing mother by tapping toes with a charity case might seem a lot more exciting than going through McCarthyism. But to choose to spend the remainder of your afterlife with some jackhole in suspenders that you’d known for TWO WHOLE DAYS just because you two had quaky virgin sex in the backseat of someone else’s Coupe de Ville? I mean, c’mon, honey. I got my first handy from that lamplighter Carol at the turn of the century, but you don’t see me trying to shack up with her for the rest of my immortal days.
And you can say, “oh, but sinking in a ship together was a true bonding experience.” Look, Rose, we were together through the Great Depression…
