A List Of Dos And Don’ts When Conjuring Up Satan
Before you swap your soul for lifetime tickets to the Green Bay Packers, hash out a plan and practice some etiquette
Published in
4 min readOct 30, 2022
- Don’t be surprised when he actually shows up. Just because you’re using your kid’s Milton-Bradley Ouija board and gizzards instead of chicken heads doesn’t mean it’s not going to work. Satan is a consummate professional. He’s not like that no-show landscaper from Craigslist you called last week.
- Do know what you want to ask in exchange for your soul ahead of time! Beelzebub has a long list of things to do, like meeting with oil executives and Republican governors. Nothing gets his goat more than being summoned off the couch during Sunday night football, only to have some dip-shit say, “I don’t know what I want. How many Bitcoins is my soul worth?” Satan doesn’t work at a used car dealership. Have a plan.
- Don’t summon him to participate in a “fiddle battle.” The Devil doesn’t particularly like country music, or fiddling in general.
- Do get to the point quickly. This isn’t a meeting with your drug dealer where you need to make small talk before exchanging money for goods.
- Do not summon Satan to a four-way intersection in the middle of the night. If you want to sell your…
