A list of God’s rejected plagues to punish the Egyptians
Pharaoh will surely rethink things when the gluten intolerance hits!
Published in
1 min readNov 6, 2017
- Hairs in everyone’s soup
- Angels play “I’m not touching you!” with Egyptian soldiers for 24 hours straight
- Everyone turns into pillars of salt but no one turns into pepper
- Menstruation for everyone!
- The sun goes away and then comes back again over and over and it’s really annoying, especially because God keeps saying “Ta-Da!” every time it reappears
- The plague of extra-sweaty handshakes
- God says “Well, actually…” whenever an Egyptian man speaks
- Everyone forgets how to spell “Pharaoh”
- Sudden onset gluten intolerance
- The plague of close-talking
- Suddenly all hieroglyphics looks like dicks
- Every time you swear there’s a child there and people tut disapprovingly
- Your firstborn is abruptly and inexplicably a teenager
- Denial is a river in Egypt, but no one believes you
- The plague of endless Pharaohcare repeal and replace efforts
Sarah Hawley is a Los Angeles-based writer and former archaeologist who is currently working on several novels. She enjoys swing dancing, colorful socks, and sympathetic villains and is the co-host of The Wicked Wallflowers Club podcast. You can find her on Twitter at @mssarahhawley.