A list of God’s rejected plagues to punish the Egyptians

Pharaoh will surely rethink things when the gluten intolerance hits!

Thus says the LORD, “There are no bad ideas when brainstorming”

• Hairs in everyone’s soup
• Angels play “I’m not touching you!” with Egyptian soldiers for 24 hours straight
• Everyone turns into pillars of salt but no one turns into pepper
• Menstruation for everyone!
• The sun goes away and then comes back again over and over and it’s really annoying, especially because God keeps saying “Ta-Da!” every time it reappears
• The plague of extra-sweaty handshakes
• God says “Well, actually…” whenever an Egyptian man speaks
• Everyone forgets how to spell “Pharaoh”
• Sudden onset gluten intolerance
• The plague of close-talking
• Suddenly all hieroglyphics looks like dicks
• Every time you swear there’s a child there and people tut disapprovingly
• Your firstborn is abruptly and inexplicably a teenager
• Denial is a river in Egypt, but no one believes you
• The plague of endless Pharaohcare repeal and replace efforts

Sarah Hawley is a Los Angeles-based writer and former archaeologist who is currently working on several novels. She enjoys swing dancing, colorful socks, and sympathetic villains and is the co-host of The Wicked Wallflowers Club podcast. You can find her on Twitter at @mssarahhawley.