Satire
A Message About COVID-19 From Comcast
To our valued customers:
During this difficult time, we here at the Comcast Corporation wanted to reach out and let our customers know that we haven’t stopped putting people first. You can continue to expect the valuable service from Comcast you’ve come to depend on.
How are we doing this? We’ve shortened company hours so our staff can be home with their families. (It really only takes one guy to flip the internet switch on and off.) We’re also providing our workers with paid time off. (We are freaking loaded from running the internet, which costs next to nothing to keep on.)
That said, a matter has made itself known to us and we wanted to be upfront about it. In our investigation as to how to better serve you during this time, it has come to our attention that our wifi signal is, in fact, causing the COVID-19 virus. Trust us, this is as much a shock to us as it is to you. We seriously had no idea the internet could cause a horrible virus, but here we are.
Here, you thought you were “flattening the curve” by telecommuting this whole time, meanwhile our wifi signal was entering your home through your router and actually giving you a terrible disease. We really screwed up, and we’re sorry. But rest assured, it is our mission to make it up to you.
