A Message From Your Dating App Begging You to Try Something Else
Hey there. Before you see the next match, we thought you might want to try something else. Like, literally anything else. Because your current strategy does not seem to be going so well.
We’ve got some ideas for how to make this a less miserable experience. You can:
Expand your age range: It looks like you’re in your mid-thirties, so maybe you should lower your range to men in their mid-twenties? It worked for Priyanka Chopra. Remember when she went to her BFF Meghan Markle’s wedding in May? After witnessing Prince Harry gaze adoringly at Meghan and whisper, “I’m so lucky,” she took swift action. She had to, because she knew the world’s supply of available Jonas brothers was rapidly dwindling.
Be kinkier: What if it turns out your soulmate is into bathroom stuff? Love means compromise. If №2 is out, what about №1? You can always just do it in the shower for easier clean-up. It’ll good this time, we promise. Those other half-dozen times you’ve tried shower sex since college were just warm-up acts set in showers with unfortunately sloped tubs.
While we’re on the subject: We know you think it’s a funny addition to your profile, but lecturing men and not sleeping with them is not a kink. At least not the way you’re doing it.
