A One-Way Conversation With Someone Who Is Obviously Ghosting Me
TEXT MESSAGE, Sunday, April 14, 2019:
Hey there! Free for a coffee later?
TEXT MESSAGE, Tuesday, April 16, 2019:
Yo! Noticed that you never responded. Just following up to make sure that you didn’t like, miss my text or anything. Ha! Up for lunch later this week?
FACEBOOK, Thursday, April 18, 2019:
Hola! Seems like my texts to you aren’t going through. Are you out of the country? And without an international plan?! How brave of you! Anyway, let’s grab drinks when you’re back!
EMAIL, Monday, April 22, 2019:
Hello hello!
Hope this email finds you well! Looks like you’re not on Facebook much these days. Kudos to you! I’ve deactivated approximately 16 times in the last week, but I’m pretty addicted to instant gratification. Totally strung out on likes. That, and I have an unhealthy compulsion to dig up any and all public information that might clue me into why you’re not responding. Wanna get froyo sometime soon?
All the best,
Molly
POSTAL MAIL, Friday, April 26, 2019:
Dear Ghoster,
It’s been nigh one business week since I’ve last written, but it seems that you’ve gone completely off the grid. I must say: I greatly admire your wherewithal when it comes to disconnecting from the time vortex of modern technology. As you can see, I’ve also printed off this meme of a corgi with sunglasses, which reminded me of you. Expectantly awaiting your response.
Patiently yours,
Molly
PIGEON CARRIER, Friday, May 3, 2019:
My dearest Ghoster,
It is evident from your silence that you simply cannot trust USPS these days. This comes as no great shock considering recent budget cuts. A great shame, nonetheless! Thus, I’ve entrusted this message to my personal carrier pigeon, Jeremey Pigeon, who I captured near Civic Center last Sunday and trained nonstop for the completion of this specific task. I reprinted the corgi meme, enclosed within. Additionally, I’ve clipped an article relating to our last conversation — remember, the one where I pulled out my phone to passionately fact-check your claim that ‘gluten-free is just healthier for everyone’? Here’s some further evidence that I am, indeed, correct. Aren’t you thankful that Jeremy Pigeon could help me inform you that your lifestyle is, scientifically speaking, utter bullshit?
Fondly anticipating your inevitable reply,
Molly
PERSONALLY-DELIVERED HAND-ENGRAVED TABLET, Tuesday, May 6, 2019:
GHOSTER,
HOW ART THOU? I SHALL KEEP THIS SHORT, FOR ENGRAVING IS LABORIOUS. JEREMY PIGEON MUST HAVE GOTTEN CAUGHT IN THE RAIN, MAKING MY LATEST CORRESPONDENCE ALTOGETHER UNREADABLE. OH WHAT CURSED WEATHER WE’VE EXPERIENCED OF LATE! NO NEED TO ENGRAVE YOUR REPLY — JUST TEXT ME!
M
PRAYER SENT TO HEAVEN/HELL/THE AFTERLIFE, Sunday, May 12, 2019:
Shit, I guess you must’ve died. So shocked and saddened by your untimely demise. I guess I’ll see you in the afterlife within the next one to 80 years, depending on my weekly alcohol consumption and whether I’m able to talk my way into Peter Thiel’s apocalypse bunker. Let’s catch up when I get there though!
