A Practical Guide To The Impending Apocalypse
Based on the orange hue of the sky and the blanket of smoke that has covered California for the past month, I put the apocalypse countdown at about 12 hours. What comes after the apocalypse? Post-apocalypse. There’s not tons of time to prepare, but follow my step-by-step preparation guide, and you’ll be ready.
1) Get a load of laundry going
Navigating the world’s new reality during the first couple of weeks will be tough enough as it is without having to wear your seventh favorite shirt. The transition will be much smoother if you have clean underwear and are wearing that dark blue shirt with golden stripes for the rest of your life. That shirt makes you happy.
2) Charge your Tesla and put gas in your SUV
It’s hard to know precisely what this apocalypse will bring, but it’s sure to create a world where either gas or electricity is a commodity more valuable than gold. It’s smart to diversify your transportation options to prepare for any and every eventuality. If the electrical grid goes down, drive your roomy all-wheel-drive SUV to the nearest water source. If a group of radical men wearing spikes takes control of the gas reserves, drive your sporty electric car from shantytown to shantytown.
3) Hold on to your loved ones
Your family is sure to be killed in front of your eyes within the first week. This is inevitable; accept it. I recommend grabbing one pocket-sized picture with all dead family members included. You don’t want to be carrying around multiple photos, as pocket space will be reserved for random mechanical gears and shafts you find scattered across the roads. The time of infinite photo storage is over, so pick one picture of your family and that one selfie of yourself looking hella sexy.
4) Lean into your new identity
When your family dies, you’ll no longer value human life. Your own, of course, but also the strangers around you. Why should they get to live? I recommend buying a katana and an eye patch. Lean into your new reality as a nomadic master swordsperson with a secret. (FYI, the secret is your traumatic past.)
5) Stock up on tunes
Spotify is unlikely to be functioning in the post-internet age, so you’ll have to revert to the stone age and listen to music offline. Dig through your drawer for your old iPod. You know, that thing that you would upload music onto? You used to use it to listen to music, and it has no other functions. Do you remember? Well, go find it and start uploading the digital library you might still have stored on some hard drive somewhere. Have you accidentally deleted your digital library of music? Plenty of time to illegally download your six favorite albums off Limewire. And 12 hours seems like just enough time to download Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. The perfect movie to watch on repeat during those lonely nights sleeping in abandoned houses, hiding from whatever giant monster plagues your city.
6) Have fun!
It’s called an apocalypse, not an apoca… sorry, I thought I had a cool pun to finish with, but apoca-lame doesn’t make any sense. Just have fun.
