A Preemptive Apology from Me, Frat Chapter President, for Our Upcoming Racist Halloween Party

“Crowd Dances in Blue Painted Enclosure,” Photo by Maurício Mascaro from Pexels

Hey good people of State U and environs,

It’s me again! I know, I JUST showed up in your inbox to disclaim that picture of some of our guys mocking sexual assault survivors protesting outside our house as “not reflective of the values of the Greek community.” Our b. Hindsight’s 20/20, amirite? This time, I know to plan ahead. So here’s a mea culpa from your friendly local EpDelts for our upcoming Halloween party-slash-fundraiser with the Asian-American Student Union, “Commodore Matthew Perry Bros and Geisha Hos.”

Commodore Matthew Perry was a distinguished American military man who got on a ship, went to Japan in the 1800s, and forced them to finally let people in against their will. In a lot of ways, he really strongly represents what we stand for as EpDelts: working out, having global experiences, and never taking no for an answer.

We chose the theme because a lot of the brothers are history majors and we were thinking it’d be lit to do a blast from the past. We had some great contenders: it was a real struggle between “Columbus Bros and Nava-Hos” (age of exploration), “Wall Street Bros and Welfare Hos” (Reagan era), and “Nazi Bros and Commie Hos” (World War II). Ultimately, it came down to our social chair, Bret, being really into Japanese shit. Bret just came back from study abroad in Tokyo and ran for Head of Diversity and Inclusion in the Interfraternal Council. You can tell he takes his job really seriously: any time he sees an Asian girl at our parties, he walks up to her and says “Konichiwa!”

We haven’t checked with the Asian-American Student Union about the theme yet, but we’re pretty sure they’ll be into it. After all, they’re always trying to get more representation, and we are so supportive of that endeavor. The brothers are all big fans of Harold and Kumar, “Crazy Rich Asians,” and the Asian category on PornHub, especially when there are schoolgirls involved.

But we know the wider public can be a little sensitive at this time of year. We’ve seen the hot takes on Twitter. Normally, I would say “chill TF out, there’s literally nothing wrong,” but our token gay brother told me that telling people their feelings are invalid is called “gaslighting” and that it’s bad. So, if you’re offended by our glorious celebration of the exotic Land of the Rising Sun, I respect your right to be offended, but I’d remind you that the $7 fee we collect from guys the door ($14 if you don’t know a brother) is going to go toward a great cause: the Asian-American Student Union’s poster campaign against cultural appropriation.

Holla at me if you have any questions or concerns. Who’s ready to get fucked UPPPP, Nippon-style? Sake bombs on me.