A Procrastinator’s Guide to Getting Absolutely Nothing Done

Have you ever felt that you were just a little too productive? Like maybe you should be getting even less done in more time?

As a lifelong procrastinator, I’m well-versed in both the art and the science of stretching out workloads. Today, I’ll give you a step-by-step guide to help you get started on not getting started.

1. Get your creative juices flowing with a strong cup of coffee. But don’t call them juices. That’s weird.
2. Make a to-do list. What are the things you want, no, need to accomplish today? Make a list. Save this so you can shame yourself later when you’ve crossed absolutely nothing off.
3. Do some “research.” This step will usually start with about 10 minutes of actual research, then quickly devolve into a three-hour session of deep-stalking your friend’s friend who is more successful in your field.
4. Write a sentence. Then, immediately decide that said sentence is garbage. Move it to the bottom of your document and write an entirely new sentence, which in your opinion, is also complete shit. Write 10 more unusable sentences. Finally, come up with one that you like… for now. Reward your hard work with some social media scrolling.
5. Take a tour of your exes’ Facebook profiles. It’s not that you actually care about your college fling’s trip to Thailand with their hot new partner. But it’s more interesting and less traumatizing than reading about the latest Batshit Insane Racist Fear Mongering out of the White House.
6. Write a paragraph. This one’s okay. Not great. But whatever. You’ll come back to it later.
7. Get a snack. You’ll start with something healthy, because yesterday you realized that 90 percent of your diet is sugar. But doing work (or more accurately, thinking about doing work) is stressful, so a handful of almonds, apple, sliced bell pepper, and entire bag of baby carrots fail to satisfy you. You grab a chocolate bar and sit back down at your desk.
8. Watch some music videos on YouTube. I’m really into King Princess right now.
9. See if you can find an explanation of the lyrics. What’s the meaning of this music? Who is Talia?! Is she dead or just gone?!! Theoretically, this should only take you a few minutes. Realistically, there are about 100 interpretations and you obviously have to read them all. Now you know more about King Princess’s relationship with Talia than you do about your spouse’s job (I think he does like, analytics or something?).
10. More “research.” Because after hours of snacking and watching YouTube videos, you forgot what you were doing in the first place.
11. Masturbate. You’re not getting any work done anyway. Plus, I heard somewhere that orgasms are good for you.
12. Make some more coffee. Do you feel tired? I feel tired. Drink your third cup of the day.
13. Become obsessed with someone who’s actually doing what you want to be doing. Read all their work. Compare yourself to them. Make yourself jealous. Tell yourself that you’ll never get where they are. Read more of their work. Fall in love with them. Find out where they live and if it’s convenient to circle their block until you see them come out of their house. Become paranoid that they noticed and tweeted about you. Check their Twitter. God, they’re funny.
14. Write another paragraph. This one’s pretty good, if you do say so yourself.
15. Call it quits. And tell yourself that you’ll be more task-driven tomorrow.

Congratulations! You’ve managed to accomplish about 20 minutes of actual work despite 10 hours at your computer, successfully achieving absolutely nothing.