A Ranking of the Chex-Mix Pieces, But Not The Definitive One
Please feel free to ignore this. Just my opinion
I want to start this off by saying: obviously there are many perspectives you could have on Chex-Mix. After all, it’s a popular product people consume commercially, and make on their own.
However, being someone who eats a good deal of Chex Mix, I’ve decided to rank the different pieces of a bag of Original Chex Mix — from worst to best.
FULL DISCLOSURE: This is just my take. You are by no means required to share my perspective. I am NOT calling this the definitive ranking so PLEASE don’t bug out if you disagree. You are entitled to your own opinion. We’re all good here!
From Worst to Best
6. Square Pretzels
Chex Mix is such a perfect food because it is balanced. Each individual piece retains its own individual texture, shape and flavor, yet together the pieces compliment one another and are coated in the same spice blend. Not all pieces absorb the flavor in the same way — some, like the pretzels, are merely coated in it.
For the circular pretzel, this is not a problem — its shape allows maximal surface area to be dusted by the spice blend. But the square pretzel is too dense, and its interior sides are too often spice free. It makes for a dry, uninteresting bite, which is why this piece is the worst in the bag.
It is still pretty good though. I need to emphasize that it is still pretty good, and if you disagree, well, that’s fine. It’s my opinion and I am not a food critic or chef or expert of any kind so PLEASE do not take my opinion seriously! Internalize that. I’m not just saying it. PLEASE.
5. Wheat Chex
Ah, okay. I’m about to contradict myself with this one. You know how I said absorption of spice blend (not merely dusting) makes for the best bite? Well out of all pieces, the Wheat Chex is certainly the best at absorbing the spice flavor — clumps of flavor get stuck in its lattice — yet it remains in the bottom part of the list. Why is this?
Simply put, I do not much like the flavor of the Wheat Chex itself. The infusion of the spices make for an okay bite, but to me, this piece tastes a bit like cardboard. Notice how I’m saying “to me” by the way. I am using “I statements.” That’s because this is how I feel, personally.
The Wheat Chex is also more brittle than the Corn, and, I’m sorry. I can’t tell if this infusion of my frankly BAD opinion is bothering you or not. I can’t tell if you’re mad about my thoughts because you disagree with them, or whatever, which would be totally fine, okay, but are you mad? Would you like me to just stop talking?
No?
Okay. I am going to go on, but please stop me if you become mad. I am scrutinizing your face right now for signs of anger and at the first moment I see one, I will stop. But for now, I will continue.
Where were we? Ah yes.
4. Breadsticks
The breadsticks get pretty darn close to the middle, because they are pretty good, but not great.
Here’s why I like them: they’ve got a bit less give than the pretzels, which makes them crispier and harder. They taste very mildly of salt and make for a palate cleanser between salty bites. Their shape is creative and unexpected, undulating like a wave, a shape that might be offensive if you are more traditional about food shapes, but I’m just saying, I like it.
Here’s what needs improving: while they absorb a bit better than the pretzels, they wind up being kind of boring, I think! Outside of the flavor of the spices there is not much too them and oh my god. Okay. SOME PEOPLE MIGHT TAKE THE PERSPECTIVE THAT THEIR MILD FLAVOR IS SUBTLE.
Those people… they’re probably right and I am probably wrong.
As we talk, I’m so sorry, can feel myself physically shrinking. I can tell you disagree with me about the breadsticks being boring, did I say boring, they are not boring, some people like plain flavors but to me besides their shapes they are pretty forgettable. Oh shit. Aaag. Eeeeg. I’m sorry for swearing just now. I just wish we had never begun this conversation. I hope I am not misinterpreting your body language but you look pretty pissed.
I’m going to the next one.
3. Circle Pretzels
As I said before, the pretzel is best when it is dusted on all sides with flavoring, and the shape of the circle pretzel facilitates that. Plus, it is fun to bite and stick your tongue through.
You don’t HAVE to like putting your tongue through it, however. Please you don’t HAVE to I am NOT coercing you!!!!
Hey, hey, okay, okay. Maybe it would be better if I stood over here? Just as a precaution, I’m backing away. I didn’t mean to imply you like to put your tongue through pretzel hoops and now that I am thinking back, it was pretty offensive of me to call the bite of the square pretzels “dry.” Looking at it from another perspective — your perspective? Please help me! — the lack of flavoring on the circle pretzels could be a good thing.
Do you want me to backspace? I can backspace. I can delete anything before please just tell me please oh god.
Pretzels were invented in
Listen I’m backing away, we can still keep talking, PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY, I just want to get out of hitting range, in case you want to take a swing at me. Please do not hurt me.
2. Rye Crackers
The brown rye crackers are the second best item.
HELLO? CAN YOU STILL HEAR ME? I am standing outside now. It’s probably better that you cannot hear me but I have chosen to finish what I started, goddammit. Please, please don’t lash out. I am scared. Kelly. You’re safe. You are outside and they are still inside.
Ah… christ. Rye is… WAIT. I’m out of reach of an arm or a crobar but if you have any sort of range weapon I am fucked.
I do not see a fire arm on your belt so I am assuming if you were to choose to try to draw, I would have enough time to duck for cover and, if I am quick on my feet, formulate a plan.
THIS IS JUST MY OPINION. DO NOT SHOOT ME WITH YOUR GUN.
1. Corn Chex
I like Corn Chex because it has the same aborptive qualities with Wheat Chex, but with a mild, nutty, pleasant flavor.
I have spoken with the proper authorities and am disappearing into witness protection. Please do not attempt to find me.
