A Reading from The Book of Doritos
Women, thou shalt not crunch.
1 Whenever a woman has her Doritos™, she will be ceremonially unclean for seven days. Anyone who touches her during that time will be unclean until evening.
2 Anything on which the woman lies or sits during the time of her period will be unclean, because of the cheese-or-something-cheese-adjacent dust.
3 If any of you touch her Doritos bag, you also must wash your clothes and bathe yourself in water, and you will remain unclean until evening.
4 If you touch any object she has sat on, you must wash your clothes and bathe yourself in water, and you will remain unclean until evening or until the blaze orange sheen sufficiently fades from your clothes in the washing machine. This includes her bed or any other object she has sat on; you will be unclean until evening if you touch it. This bears repeating — that residue spreads like the Devil™.
5 If a man has sexual intercourse with her and her Doritos touch him, her nacho cheese impurity will be transmitted to him. As long as we’re on the subject, if a woman says she would like to end the sexy snack time at any point, don’t say “how about just a snack size” or “but baby, I’m too hungry to stop”. Just call an Uber and get out of there. Also she, you and all roommates either of you tell the details of this nosh-y tryst will be grossed out for seven days.
6 If a woman has a glow of orange particulate for many days that is unrelated to her Doritos, or if her Doritos consumption continues beyond the normal snack time, she is ceremonially unclean. As during snack time, the woman will be unclean as long as the particulate persists. Unless the Doritos are Cool Ranch, then it’s fine.
7 If any hears her crunching, you will (duh) be ceremonially unclean. You must wash your clothes in hot water with Tide™ Pods (do not eat, that art both forbidden and stupid) and bathe yourself in La Croix™, and you will remain unclean until evening.
8 When the woman’s annoying, shrill crunching stops, she must count off seven days. Then she will be ceremonially clean.
On the eighth day she must bring two turtledoves or two Taco Bell™ Doritos Locos Tacos and present them to the nearest 26-year old male Creative Director . 9 The Creative Director will offer one for a sin offering and the other for a Fourth Meal™ offering. Through this process, between careless, messy, loud male bites of taco slurry, the manchild will purify her in the eyes of the Brand, for the impurity caused by her unbearable, unladylike noise pollution.
10 If a woman consumes Doritos Jacked 3D Bacon Cheddar Ranch and any man hears it, she is unclean forever and nothing and no one can restore her self esteem, not even appearing in four Ava DuVernay-directed films opposite Oprah.
11 Says the Man, ‘This is how you will guard the people from carbohydrate uncleanness. Otherwise they would die of embarrassment, for their sonic snack impurity would defile my Patriarchy that stands among them.’
12 Thus sayeth the word of Doritos executives, forever and ever. Amen.
Brooke Preston is a comedy writer and editor whose words have appeared on McSweeney’s, Men’s Health, Reductress, Funny or Die and more. She is a faculty member at The Second City, and is a co-founder/editor of The Belladonna Comedy. Follow her on Twitter at @bigu.
