A Response to Your Bill Inquiries From Your Cable and Internet Provider
Attention Mr. Silva;
We received your inquiries regarding your bill dated May 1st, and we’d be happy to clear up any misunderstandings.
•Due to a recent rise in copper prices we had to increase the price of our High-Speed Internet $4.99. We didn’t notify you because we thought you’d be cool with it.
•You were charged a Cable Box Rental Fee of $5.00 for using our cable box. You can avoid this fee by using your own U-Verse ZX812 Premium T-Vision Box.
•We included the $.69 Charge because we thought it would be funny. We apologize if this was received in bad taste.
•In reference to the New Button Charge: We added a feature to our remotes that allows the viewer to watch the video of one channel while listening to the audio of another; something our customers will undoubtedly enjoy. Of course while one small button is not expensive to produce, when you multiply it times our millions of customers, it quickly adds up. Hence the $1.99 upcharge.
•We noticed that you didn’t sign up for our world-class home phone service. Knowing it must have been a mistake, we signed you up for the 200 Minute Voice Plan for $34.99/month.
•The Foot Tax is a cost we add when our CEO gets an ache in his right foot that indicates our taxes are about to go up. You would be surprised how accurate it is.
•The No Thrones Fee is a new charge we’re issuing to all customers who refuse to purchase HBO despite the fact they air Game of the Thrones. It truly is a once-in-a-lifetime program and the fee is intended to persuade our customers into catching it while it’s still on the air. Unfortunately, I cannot remove this charge.
•Please forgive us for spending your bill in Spanish. We realize that just because your last name is Silva, it doesn’t mean you speak the language. As a token of our remorse, we’d like to offer you one month of Telemundo free of charge.
•We apologize for any confusion caused by our use of yellow type on dark ivory paper.
•While we understand your concern about the title of our Random Surcharge, I assure you this fee is anything but random. In fact, without this charge we would not be able to provide our world-class services. It’s single-handedly keeping our company afloat. And in my defense, I suggested we call it the “Vital Surcharge” but was outvoted.
•Water Bill: Your meter recorded the use of 1,820 gallons of water this month resulting in a $17.22 charge.
•You were charged $1.00 for unsubscribing from our emails. Why would you do that?
•While our records confirm you did not schedule an installation during this pay period; there is no way to prove you did NOT have anything installed. As a result, we are unable to remove both Installation Fees.
•We raised the price of our Digital Cable Package $2.00/month because.
•We appreciate your feedback that the use of an asterisk followed by six pages of legal copy and then “Additional $8.00 Charge” was “confusing” and “some slimy bullshit”. We will look into that.
•Finally, there is a bit of good news as I was able to remove the additional charge of $1.45. This was a clerical error and your account has been reimbursed minus a $2.00 reimbursement fee.
We hope this clears things up and we thank you for your continued business,