A Rewards Program For Non-Adults Who Snooze Their Parenting Clock
Are you a “non-adult” over the age of 30 with no life or real responsibilities because you don’t have a bae or baby the first? Parents getting antsy? Well, break out the Raid and tell them to leave you alone. Since your baby-making forecast isn’t changing anytime soon, it’s time you join the No Kids, No Cries Rewards Program.
No Commitment Required
Can you hear the distant groans of a whining kid? They’re hungry. They want to be picked up. They need a ride to the movies. They need, need, neeed. Well, so do you. Go on, bury your face in that slob-ridden pillow and kick that one leg from under the blanket. After the long Saturday night of spirited karaoke you just had, uninterrupted sleep in an empty bed is a necessity.
Now, when you finally wake from your slumber and see Wednesday’s crusty dishes still in the sink, just remember: they can go in the dishwasher (or trash) tomorrow.
Right now, you only have time for two things: you, and irresponsible you. Don’t they make such a cute couple?
Anxiety No More
Tired of other people’s munchkins all over your newsfeed like Puff Daddy in a music video? Like, no, love, the photo of the baby who’s celebrating three months with a chalkboard. Feel your insides gush over the cuties in their first day of school pics.
Sit in awe as folks thrust their children in your lap during social gatherings. Squirm as Auntie Arthritis pinches your cheeks screaming “You’re such a natural!” Let the room know you didn’t come to be manipulated by the Cabbage Patch Kids.
Starting to feel some type of way about life? Palms getting sweaty? Put the cabbage kid down and find the nearest exit. Hit the unfollow button. Boom. Feelings all gone.
Keep Your Dollar Dollar Bills, Y’all
Still live at home with your parents? Wondering if they’ll give you an advance on your allowance? USDA and your best friends tried to warn you — children are expensive. The difference between you and little garbage disposals these days? They want you to drop your Cash App like it’s hot. They prefer Ruth Chris over Chipotle. They want AirPods, a baby BMW, and a two-week Disney cruise. Remember the good ol’ days when a pack of cards and rewinding your cassette tape with a pencil tickled your fancy?
Think the itty-bitty ones aren’t as bourgeois? Ha! Have you seen the price of organic, lemon-scented pampers with the gold-plated tabs?
Until the annual cost of children (and mortgage interest rates) declines, let those Navient payments rule everything around you.
Crumb Snatcher-free Zone
Not a fan of sharing? Your ex knows all too well. Mini clones, on the other hand, don’t care. At the slightest tear of a bag of chips, you’ll hear the hurried footsteps of a greedy, thumb-sucking rugrat.
Your kindergarten teacher may have taught you a thing or two about sharing, but you weren’t listening. So, yes: treat yourself. Max out that debit card, all $47, and buy a half-dozen overly priced cupcakes and Disney Plus and chill with your damn self. Who cares if you watch A Goofy Movie again? Everyone knows Disney movies are for non-subscription paying adults, not kids.
100% Autonomy Guaranteed
The sight of cute little broke best friends may increase your desire to want them. Constantly hearing how you’re getting old and running out of time does not. Tired of telling your side-eyeing nana and pop-pop that you’re just not ready?
Waiting for the right partner, the right income bracket, the right president? Hell, are you just not sold on the idea of parenthood altogether? Whatever the reason, IT’S YOUR PREROGATIVE. Cue the Bobby Brown and twerk something in the middle of your Lego-free living room. Enjoy the perks of the No Kids, No Cries Rewards Program while it lasts.
Disclaimer: If for any reason you’re dissatisfied with the program, cancel your membership and adopt a kitten. Hop on Etsy, buy matching sweaters, and pose for your first family holiday card. Be sure to remind those antsy grandparents that all gifts, major credit cards, and personal checks are accepted. Summer vacations still apply.
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