A Schedule For The Cohen Family Zoom Seder
5:00–5:15 PM: Everyone joins the video call. Aunt Sheila (the host) passive-aggressively says, “Traffic?” to anyone who shows up after 5:03.
5:18 PM: Relatives under 40 take turns coaching Grandma Irene through turning on her camera.
5:25–5:50 PM: Family check-ins. Devolves into everyone listing their symptoms.
5:52 PM: Cousin David (a comedian) changes his background image to Times Square. Relatives over 70 are terrified.
6:00 PM: Aunt Sheila begins the seder by lighting the candles. Tries to move her candle holder into the frame but accidentally knocks it over, setting table cloth on fire. Brief shrieking, then she abruptly shuts her laptop.
6:01 PM: Silence.
6:02 PM: “Okay so, Grandma Irene, you can just press the big button that says ‘Start Video.’”
6:04 PM: Sheila’s back! She’s been crying. We’re not gonna talk about it.
6:08–7:00 PM: Take two. Family members take turns reading from the Haggadah.
6:16 PM: Uncle Jeff tells the joke he’s been waiting to share. The punchline is “let my people go… to the grocery store.” His screen froze, though, so no one heard the setup.
6:20 PM: Grandpa Sam is asleep. How cute!
6:32 PM: Daniel (8) refuses to read the four questions. Hides under the table. Uncle Scott calls him “a pill,” and it’s a whole thing.
6:38 PM: Aunt Laurie jokes that Trump is like Pharaoh. Two straight minutes of laughter. Uncle Jeff is clearly pissed.
6:44 PM: “Hm, Grandpa Sam’s sure been sleeping for a while.”
7:10–7:45 PM: Dinner. Everyone has agreed to keep their cameras on but mute themselves. Grandma Irene does the opposite.
7:22 PM: Grandma Irene farts twice. Cousins’ group text blows up.
7:27–7:32 PM: Everyone worries Grandpa Sam is dead, but no one wants to say it.
8:00 PM: Seder resumes.
8:15 PM: Last attempt to turn on Grandma Irene’s camera.
8:27 PM: All the children search for the afikomen in their respective homes. All hell breaks loose when Michael and Charlotte’s parents give them each $20 (the agreed-upon amount was $10).
8:41 PM: Oh thank God, Grandpa Sam just woke up.
8:45 PM: The seder concludes with everyone attempting to sing “Chad Gadya,” the 10-verse Passover classic, in unison. As expected, it’s a disaster.
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