A Seasoned Business Traveler Lists 10 Things The Cucumber Water In This Lobby Won’t Fix
Published in
4 min readOct 25, 2019
- MALARIA. As a seasoned traveler (Hilton Honors #92837) and a competent middle-aged professional, I am going to give it to you straight: as soon as those bespoke ice cubes melt in that decorative urn, you’ll essentially have a large tub of very still, lukewarm (but flavonoid-rich) water. That means mosquitoes. And those cukes will only make their Sex Palace more delicious, and more nutritious. Public. Health. Disaster.
- MY HEIGHTENED ANXIETY. You call this a “Garden Inn,” but your lobby is a psychological minefield. A menacing old man with a Hitler mustache is doing tai chi in a Speedo over in the corner. There’s the sweaty woman wearing an American flag sports bra and watching endless Hannity reruns on the lobby TV. And is that a faint whiff of patchouli near the shared printer? The least you could do is put water tanks on both sides of the lobby as the Marriott does, so I don’t have to walk through this madness.
- THE GLOBAL WATER WARS OF 2030. It’s true that one cistern of flavored water, rich in manganese and molybdenum, won’t win or lose a global conflict 11 years from now. But, according to my vast internet sources, the smart money is on the well-prepped. So, you’re actually endangering guests by making their source of refreshment such an easy target for would-be hoarders and water terrorists. I am pretty sure the Radisson has posted guards to address this issue.
- THE RAYTHEON EMPLOYEES IN THEIR MATCHING RED POLOS AND KHAKIS. It’s like a death cult went shopping at Land’s End and then invaded this place. These baby killers are going to spend the entire day in your “Winterfell” conference room developing deadly new weapons (see #3), and here you are keeping them nicely hydrated! If my employer, Lockheed Martin ($44.9 billion in revenue last year!), finds out they may never let me stay here again.
- THE INEVITABLE TRADE WARS WITH MEXICO AND CHINA. The first paragraph of a recent Wall St. Journal op-ed alerted me to this. Were your cucumbers locally grown, or trucked up from Jalisco? Was the beveled glass container made in China? I ask because if you’re not careful, you’ll soon be forced to buy an American urn and fill it with American cucumbers. The higher prices, I assume, will then be passed along to me, a seasoned traveler with almost enough points for a room upgrade.
- MY DEBILITATING FEAR OF SEEDS. I finally braved the crazed denizens of your hellish lobby, not to mention those Raytheon assholes, and took a closer look at the cucumbers you use to flavor your water. They’re standard ones, which raises serious questions about a potentially huge number of seeds floating in there. Obviously, English cucumbers, with far fewer seeds, would have been much better. Brexit, you say? Well, Snopes confirms that the Sofitel next door has already prepared for this by hoarding English cucumbers. Be more like Sofitel.
- THERE MAY ALSO BE A DEAD MOUSE FLOATING IN IT. JUST FYI.
- GLOBAL WARMING. Yeah, I’m going there. Have you noticed how everyone puts your scrumptious water into plastic bottles? You know they’re going to lap it up later today, and then, bodies brimming with antioxidants, discard the empties in a river somewhere. Our planet is already screwed, but now you’re screwing it a bit more. Did I mention I travel a lot? Well, I do, and I can tell you that this lack of environmental concern is something you’d never see at a Novotel.
- BOB’S PROSTATE. My colleague has serious health issues, and now you’ve put the watery motherload in front of him at no charge. He’s on glass #5 already, and the sheer frequency and volume of his urination mean that his man-diaper, pleated khakis, and dignity are all but ruined. The Westin would never fail to realize that cucumbers are mostly water, too. You amateurs, however, added too many extra diuretics. Honestly, this is worse than the congealed batter under your waffle maker.
- THIS “YELP!” REVIEW. Before I press send, I encourage your staff to read this carefully over my shoulder. I’m giving you, Hilton, the chance to address these issues before the sheer weight of my extensive traveling experience, not to mention my many well-researched opinions about cucumber water, completely ruin your reputation. I would happily retract any of this, by the way, if a tall glass happened to be delivered to me in the comfort of a king-sized bed in an upgraded room with free WiFi.
