A Series Of Mistakes To Avoid When Bitten By A Brown Recluse Spider

Illustration by Liberty Richardson

It finally happened. Exactly as you suspected it would. You’ve been bitten by a rare-to-your-region brown recluse spider after moving into a room in your grandma’s basement that is filled with suspiciously damp Estée Lauder boxes and hasn’t been inhabited by human beings in 30 years. What’s next? Anything but these series of mistakes, for the love of God.

Panicking is both reasonable and valid when you wake up to see a blister with two puncture wounds bubbling up to the size of a silver dollar on your otherwise normal leg. Panicking also serves as a great motivator for you to stop Googling “bug bite images” hoping it will be something else, and instead start guiding you in the direction of a medical facility.

At CVS, you will sit in a “waiting room” that is blaring Maroon 5 circa 2010 while a blonde family of five next to you tries to get their photos from Disney World developed; because it’s a CVS and not THE HOSPITAL.

Perhaps you won’t get tetanus, however you will in one week’s time have a hole in your leg that resembles inverted pepperoni and smells like broken-in non slip shoes.

The dermatologist will cut a chunk out of your now open wound for testing, and it will frankly feel very bad.

The dermatologist is correct, the stagnant water will betray you and swiftly deliver your body to the exhilarating edge of septic shock.

This will annihilate your bladder by killing all the good bacteria that prevents infections from getting out of control, as well as your fun summer spirit.

This will ignite a 9 month long period of recurring UTIs, as your body has been ravaged by antibiotics and can no longer resist the onslaught of Escherichia coli.

More than anything, just have fun with it.

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