A Series Of Mistakes To Avoid When Bitten By A Brown Recluse Spider

Illustration by Liberty Richardson

It finally happened. Exactly as you suspected it would. You’ve been bitten by a rare-to-your-region brown recluse spider after moving into a room in your grandma’s basement that is filled with suspiciously damp Estée Lauder boxes and hasn’t been inhabited by human beings in 30 years. What’s next? Anything but these series of mistakes, for the love of God.

Panicking is both reasonable and valid when you wake up to see a blister with two puncture wounds bubbling up to the size of a silver dollar on your otherwise normal leg. Panicking also serves as a great motivator for you to stop Googling “bug bite images” hoping it will be something else, and instead start guiding you in the direction of a medical facility.

At CVS, you will sit in a “waiting room” that is blaring Maroon 5 circa 2010 while a blonde family of five next to you tries to get their photos from Disney World developed; because it’s a CVS and not THE HOSPITAL.

Perhaps you won’t get tetanus, however you will in one week’s time have a hole in your leg that resembles inverted pepperoni and smells like broken-in non slip shoes.

The dermatologist will cut a chunk out of your now open wound for testing, and it will frankly feel very bad.

The dermatologist is correct, the stagnant water will betray you and swiftly deliver your body to the exhilarating edge of septic shock.

This will annihilate your bladder by killing all the good bacteria that prevents infections from getting out of control, as well as your fun summer spirit.

This will ignite a 9 month long period of recurring UTIs, as your body has been ravaged by antibiotics and can no longer resist the onslaught of Escherichia coli.

More than anything, just have fun with it.

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.


Medium humor. Large laughs.

Sign up for Yapjaw

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store