A Statement Regarding Allegations Our Candles Are Unholy Monstrosities That Defy The Laws Of Nature

Libby Marshall
Dec 19, 2019 · 3 min read
Photo by thevibrantmachine from Pexels

Auntie Jo’s Candle Company began three years ago when two sisters from Vermont decided to sell quality hand-poured candles. However, in the previous month, we have received hundreds of complaints about our organic soy wax candles and we’d like to set the record straight.

Each one of our candles is lovingly hand-poured and requires daily affection from its owner. Neglected candles will burn more aggressively.

If your candle won’t start burning, try holding the candle at an angle so your match hits more of the wick. If your candle won’t stop burning, we have no solution, but water makes it worse.

While there is a map scrawled on the back of every label on our candles, we do not know who put it there or where it leads. We sent our nephew Marcus to find out. We have not heard from him in months.

Burning our candles an hour a day will give you the ability to tap dance at an intermediate level.

Pouring the wax from our candles into a bowl of water does reveal the number of times you threw something in the trash when the recycling was right there.

Our 100% organic candles are edible. Eating them causes vivid hallucinations where you run into your high school bully at a Walgreens, but they don’t recognize you, which is somehow worse than outright cruelty. We do not know who wrote Auntie Jo’s Candle Cookbook nor how it became a New York Times bestseller.

Certain scents produce unadvertised effects, and we have listed them below:

Maple Honey: The smoke spells out the day you will fall into an irreversible coma. On the bottom of the jar is the date your family will pull the plug.

Lavender Garden: You gain the ability to breathe underwater, but you have to stay there.

Clean Cotton: Anyone who smells it loses their right to vote. (These are on backorder.)

Many people report seeing our candles in famous images such as the Tiananmen Square protests or the moon landing. We assumed this was a prank until we saw Washington Crossing The Delaware now featured our first president holding our Lemon Verbena three-wick. Our candles no longer obey the laws of physics but burn time remains over 70 hours.

There is no secret fragrance so powerful the smeller’s soul immediately reaches Nirvana.

Our candles were used for the vigil of the missing 15-year-old, Cassidy Goorman. We did not know that burning our Gardenia and Passion Fruit candles (Cassidy’s favorite scents) at the same time would create a rift in the universe causing everyone at the vigil to disappear. Nor did we know the second vigil mourning these victims would burn our Honeysuckle candle, which causes mile-wide sinkholes. This has caused a chain reaction of vigils and disappearances that has claimed thousands of lives.

A vigil for all victims will be held next Friday. If you value your life, do not attend.

Our nephew Marcus has returned. He has aged a hundred years. He says he went to The Wax Place and saw Cassidy Goorman, along with the thousands of other vigil victims there, suspended in a wax prson. So, mystery solved.

A raven in the night delivered our return policy upon us. If you are not satisfied, you have thirty days to scale the nearest peak, bury your candle in the earth, and wait to be struck by lightning, which means the return has been accepted. You will find a new candle where you least expect it.

Auntie Jo’s Candles apologizes for any hurt our candles have caused. As a gift to our valued customers, all future orders will include our Sugar Cookie apology candle. Once lit, this limited-edition scent evokes freshly baked cookies and prevents the smeller from participating in class action lawsuits.


Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Libby Marshall

Written by

A writer from Chicago. Libby-Marshall.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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