A Tour Of Your New Gym, Courtesy Of Me, An Old Man Whose Scrotum You Will See On A Regular Basis

Mike Toole
Jan 15 · 3 min read
Photo by Raúl Lazcano on Unsplash

Hello. Welcome to your new gym. It’s me, an old man whose scrotum is dangling just above my knees. You’re going to be seeing that a lot! Let me show you around.

This here is the locker room. Chances are, this is where you’ll find me. I’ll often be right in the middle of the path you’re taking. When you try to pass me on the right, I will of course start to teeter in that general direction. As you slow down to pass the other way, I will ever so slightly begin to shuffle in that direction, as well. It’s at this time that you’ll notice my scrotum, which is right here, dangling just above my knees.

Obviously, you’ll need to use a locker. You’ll sometimes find me right next to the locker you occupy. I’m usually nude, but other times, I’m just wearing a shirt, much like a septuagenarian Winnie the Pooh. As you are sitting down to tie your shoes, I will bend over, with my rear and my scrotum in dangerous proximity to your face. Or sometimes, our rears will nearly touch. I won’t hear you say excuse me or anything else, on account of my hearing loss. You will just have to dodge my scrotum, which is long and unwieldy.

Let me show you the sauna. If you can’t find me near the lockers, try the sauna. You’ll either see me right when you walk in, or sometimes I’ll be in the corner, with my scrotum hanging precariously, touching the bench beneath it, severely limiting your seating options.

Towels? Yes, of course they have towels. Where are they? I’m not sure. I’ve never needed one.

Finally, here are the showers. You’ll often find me here, sometimes taking a shower, but more often, just sort of hovering around the entrance to the showers. Have I already showered? Am I going into the showers? No one knows. I’m somehow always wet and dry at the same time. What I can tell you is that my scrotum will be on full display here.

This will also be where my friends and I congregate. You’ll find anywhere between two and six scrotums here at a time. Scroti? Is that the plural? Anyway, we’ll be here talking about the news of the day, lamenting how the neighborhood has changed, sharing stories of our grandchildren, all while our scrotums dangle and swing, not unlike one of those ball clacker things people have on their desks. It is often slippery here, and the steam and humidity from the showers will drop our scrotums even lower, so please watch your step.

What’s that? Other parts of the gym? Yes, they have those conveyer belts to walk on and weights and other such things out there, but this is all you’ll need and where you’ll find me — in and around the general vicinity of the shower. I’ll be here when you arrive, and I’ll be here when you leave. If you don’t see me, just look down and try to locate my scrotum, which, again, is right here, just above my kne — well, look at that! All this walking and it looks like it’s below my knees now. Make a mental note of it. Get a real good look.


Slackjaw

Thanks to sarah james

Mike Toole

Written by

Mommy blogger. https://twitter.com/miketoole

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

More From Medium

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade