A Typical Workday In Chicago, Imagined By A Republican Politician
7:00 AM: I awake to the sound of murder. I roll over, reach for one of the many machine guns strewn about the foxhole where I sleep, and head to the liquor store, where I kill several employees to obtain my breakfast of Old Style and welfare. From the safety of his castle, Lord-Mayor Obama observes my actions and is pleased.
7:45AM: I take the L train to work. It’s called the L train because the letter L looks like a handgun aimed up at the sky and you have to be shooting one like that or else the Satanic gang members who run our infrastructure won’t let you on board.
8:15 AM: I arrive downtown and put on my gas mask so I can breathe in the black smoke that has enveloped our city ever since the gun control took over. It’s dark, so I must look down and count the corpses and fiery hell-portals in order to gain my bearings. I find my work building in ruins, which is normally how it is so I smile and walk inside.
8:30 AM: Like many Chicagoans, I earn my living as an armed goon for a corrupt city official. I start each shift by walking outside and shooting at random cars to remind the voters that Comptroller Gary Miller is not to be trifled with.
10:00 AM: A group of charming Christian folk from Indiana who have come to try and fix our broken city approach me in…
