A Typical Workday In Chicago, Imagined By A Republican Politician

Joe Wellman
Published in
4 min readJul 18, 2022

Hasan Almasi via Unsplash

7:00 AM: I awake to the sound of murder. I roll over, reach for one of the many machine guns strewn about the foxhole where I sleep, and head to the liquor store, where I kill several employees to obtain my breakfast of Old Style and welfare. From the safety of his castle, Lord-Mayor Obama observes my actions and is pleased.

7:45AM: I take the L train to work. It’s called the L train because the letter L looks like a handgun aimed up at the sky and you have to be shooting one like that or else the Satanic gang members who run our infrastructure won’t let you on board.

8:15 AM: I arrive downtown and put on my gas mask so I can breathe in the black smoke that has enveloped our city ever since the gun control took over. It’s dark, so I must look down and count the corpses and fiery hell-portals in order to gain my bearings. I find my work building in ruins, which is normally how it is so I smile and walk inside.

8:30 AM: Like many Chicagoans, I earn my living as an armed goon for a corrupt city official. I start each shift by walking outside and shooting at random cars to remind the voters that Comptroller Gary Miller is not to be trifled with.

10:00 AM: A group of charming Christian folk from Indiana who have come to try and fix our broken city approach me in the street and ask me where all the guns are coming from. I am repulsed by such silliness, and shoot at them immediately. Everyone knows Chicago’s guns all come from the center of town — for that is where the gun control is strongest.

11:15 AM: An NRA member who’s escaped enslavement at one of the Universal Background Check camps breaks into our building with a grappling hook. He jumps on top of the Comptroller’s desk and cries, “family values!” before I gun him down. Sad, but the reprisals for saying such things must be swift and terrible. The Mainstream Media bursts through the doors and quickly disposes of his body via the black ritual, so as to not disturb the narrative.

12:30 PM: I spend my lunch break snorting lines of welfare with Mike Ditka at our favorite deep dish handouts restaurant. On our way out, we throw buckets of hog’s blood on the riffraff sitting in the Law-Abiding Gun Owners section, as to appease the gun control’s…

Joe Wellman

Joe lives in Chicago, Illinois. He likes biking, writing, and making short lists of things he likes to do.