How Hillary Is Actually Feeling Right Now

“Madam Secretary, We have to draft a statement. Our supporters need to hear from us.”

“Oh be damned Podesta! Fuck you! Fuck the people! Fuck America!”, she replied gulping down her fourth Vodka Tonic. “Get me that bloody bottle!”, she slurred angrily.

“I don’t think you should be drinking anymore Ma’am.”

I barely had time to duck as a compact mirror was hurled in my direction. The rest of her makeup set followed. Lipstick and eyeliner smashed against the cream white wall in a mess of color. A respectable art dealer could probably sell it to the progressives voting for Clinton, claiming it to be modern art. While for the peanut brained racists voting for Trump, it might have looked like a murder scene.

“But Ma’am, we can’t give up yet. America needs us now more than ever.”

“Well they should’ve fucking voted for me then! All I ever wanted to be was president. When the other little girls were hosting imaginary evening tea parties, do you know what I was doing?”

“Memorizing the US Constitution?”

“No! I was supervising imaginary meetings in the White House Situation Room and signing executive orders! While they were playing with their stupid little dolls, I was conducting imaginary drone strikes with my action figures against a dragon holding a princess captive in a tower. That’s what prepared me all those years later to take down Bin Laden.

And then he comes in with his pussy grabbing, tiny hands and takes it all away from me!”, she said, her voice quivering. Whether it was anger or sadness, I couldn’t tell. Her lower lip trembled dangerously. I ducked in advance should she decide to throw the Vodka bottle too.

I was saved by a loud knock on the door.

Bernie Sanders raged into the room, his white fluffy hair in disarray. “The top one percent has won! Huge tax breaks! They’re going to take everything! They’re laughing their asses off at the people’s stupidity. America is doomed! The 99 percent has lost!”, he mumbled rapidly, barely coherent.

“Calm down Berns, have a whiskey” said Mrs. Clinton. “Or smoke some pot. They voted to legalize it today, you know. That’s all they seem to care about. I wish I was pot. They would’ve voted for me then.”

From the depths of her purse she somehow managed to find a joint and proceeded to light it.

“Are you sure you should be smoking weed now Hillary? The whole country is about to go into chaos! We might have a civil war at our hands!”

“Oh shut up Bernie! Its all your fault anyway! You couldn’t convince your naive idealistic voters to come over to my side. They all voted for Jill Stein and that other idiot who didn’t know what Aleppo is. What’s an Aleppo, he asked! What’s an Aleppo! Can you believe it?!”

“Gary Johnson, you mean?”

“Yeah that idiot! Your supporters voted for that blithering fool even after witnessing that on National Television!”

“Yeah they kind of really hate you. Like really really hate you. Your ties to the top one percent are too strong.”

“Oh shut it with your one percent. It’s getting old. I am the only one qualified enough to be President. I have seen the Presidency up close! Both as First Lady and Secretary of State. I hold a Law Degree from Yale. Despite all that they still decided to go with a man who thinks ‘bigly’ is an actual English word.”

“But you know what the final nail in my coffin was, Bernie? James Fucking Comey! Oh God, I’m gonna murder that bastard! Podesta! Podesta!” she shrieked.

“Yes Ma’am”, I said rushing over to her.

“Call our Director of Extra Legal Affairs. I have a job for him”

“He’s awaiting your orders.”

“I want him to make Comey’s life a living hell! I want to know everything he does! Hack his laptop and get me all his dirty secrets! Start by release his internet porn history to the whole world! Its always fun watching the media play with that!”

“I’ll get right on it Madam”

“Be thankful I never had to use him against you Bernie. He’s a ruthless man who’ll get the job done no matter the consequence. He was the guy who got me that video of Trump with Billy Bush and leaked it to the Washington Post.”

“You wouldn’t have found anything on me anyway. I’m a 75 year old man. Video cameras and Twitter weren’t around then to record my embarrassing moments. It was a simpler time.”

“Madam Secretary, you have a call on the private line”, said an exhausted looking aide.

“Who is it?”

“The caller claims to be Putin.”

“Putin? Fine put him through.”

“Privet Comrade!”

“What do you want Putin?”

“I just wanted to thank you Hillary. If it had been anyone else running against Trump, literally anyone else, even Mel Gibson, he would’ve lost. Thank you for helping make Russia great again!

Together Trump and I will restore Mother Russia to its previous greatness! Long live the USSR! I bet Ukraine is shitting their pants in fear right now! Ha Ha! The whole of Eastern Europe will be mine once again! Muahaha!”

“Yeah you’re welcome. Give em hell Putin. Maybe then they’ll come crawling back to me, begging to make me President” she said slamming down the phone.

“You see Bernie? Russia hacked my emails to manipulate the elections, yet no one seems to give a damn!”

“Why do people hate me? What have I ever done to them? I’ve always pretended to care for them. Right from my time at Yale, I have tried to build an image of a caring compassionate woman who fights for the poor and discriminated against. Do people not buy that?”

“Well, it’s because you’re a woman. People don’t like powerful women. It makes them uncomfortable. Their manhoods shrivel up.”

“Ma’am we have another caller”, said the aide coming back in, interrupting Bernie.

“Who is it this time?”

“He claims to be Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS.”

“Does everyone have the number to my damned private line?! I’m even using a secure line!”

“This is Hillary Clinton speaking”, she said into the receiver.

“Ah Clinton! Allahu Akbar! Truly a great day, eh!”

“You’re very bold to call me. How are you sure we’re not tracing this call?”

“Oh your emails! Anyone who uses a private server knows camel shit about security.”

“Shut it about my emails! I wish those damn things were never invented. Writing letters worked fine in my time! I would’ve been President if not for fucking emails!”

“Thank Allah, you didn’t. Donald Trump will greatly aid our cause! Our HR department has been flooded with applications from people wanting to join our cause, as soon as the results started to come in. But you know the funniest part? We wont have to do anything. We’ll just sit in our caves and watch America destroy itself! Netflix and Chill as you infidels call it.”

“That’s it!” she said slamming down the receiver in visible anger.

“Podesta! You wanted me to draft a message for the American people? Well here’s your message-

Dear Americans! It is an historic day! You have managed to elect America’s first orange-man-baby-with-golden-retriever-fur-for-hair as President! Rejoice! Rejoice, for today you have shown the world that misogyny and racism are America’s cherished ideals! Rejoice for you have shown that bullies always win. Rejoice for the terrible recession that will inevitably come hurtling your way! Hope you guys have a swell four years. I’ll be comfortably watching from Canada. Holler if you change your minds and want me back. Clinton out.”

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