What I Thought These Popular Books Were About, From Reading Only Their Titles

Love In The Time Of Cholera- A guide to effectively and hygienically having sex while shitting uncontrollably.

The Alchemist- The secret history of the Rothschild family detailing how their ancestors perfected the art of transmuting lead into gold thereby setting them up as the most powerful banking family ever.

Pride and Prejudice- The story of a white supremacist man brimming with pride about his own racial superiority and the prejudiced dealings he has with the black, brown and yellow.

1984- Documenting the raging 80s phenomenon when everyone loved wearing weird oversized neon clothing, big plastic earrings, sunglasses at night, parachute pants and ridiculously elaborate ugly hairstyles.

Animal Farm- A manual on how to properly tend to a farm and raise livestock for the modern hipster man.

Brave New World- A story about a futuristic society where not being gay is illegal. Truly a brave new world!

War and Peace- A handbook of different torture techniques to be employed in times of war and peace. Incidentally, also a CIA handbook.

To Kill a Mockingbird- A guide to hunting, cleaning and cooking mockingbirds for a scrumptious albeit less filling dinner.

Lord of the Flies- A story about a little maggot who grew up to become the king of the flies before his untimely and sudden death being squashed by a newspaper at the hands of a young human. Would make a good Disney movie too.

One Hundred Years of Solitude- The story of a murderer serving a 100 year solitary confinement sentence and how he keeps himself occupied by painting with his yellow excrement. He specializes in painting sunflowers.

The Book Thief- The true story of a man who used to steal the half-finished manuscripts of popular writers, collate all their different ideas, mix them up and thereby come up with best selling novels.

Clockwork Orange- A how-to guide on perfecting the art of making clockwork structures. The final chapter details the construction of a fruit-bearing clockwork orange tree!

Kite Runner- Story of a girl who used to run an underground gang of illegal kite manufacturers selling kites to a group of elite assassins who used the glass coated strings of kites to murder people.

Life of Pi- The story of the ancient history of the magical ratio, Pi and how it has frustrated below-average students with its mystic powers since the dawn of time! The ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter is always a fixed number?! Its magic I tell you! Magic!

Little Women- The story of a village populated exclusively with women suffering from dwarfism and their trials in attracting the men of the nearby village suffering from gigantism.

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