1. Subject: Happy Holidays!
Action: Remember the holiday party at the campus pub when you set a new record for shots ordered in one night. Remember that hangover. Delete.
2. Subject: Death of Celebrated Professor
Action: Think back to how his inspiring recruitment speech convinced you to go to college. Remember that midterm he failed you on. Delete.
3. Subject: The Brand-New Library to Open in Two Weeks!
Action: Reminisce on the hours that you and Craig spent together in the stacks. Wish you were 20 and in love once again. Remember he is now married to a Price is Right model. Delete.
4. Subject: New Student Liaison Officer Hired
Action: Think back to how you decided in your third year that you wanted to be a lawyer and the student liaison officer laughed in your face and pushed you out of his office. Delete.
5. Subject: Donate Now to the Alumni Scholarship Fund!
Action: Realize that you aren’t using your undergrad degree in any way and accept the fact that you spent a hundred grand only to make great friends and memories. Use your break during night class to delete.
6. Subject: Come Celebrate Our Bicentennial!
Action: Look at your calendar to see if you can make it. Realize that Craig and his supermodel wife will probably be there. Delete.
7. Subject: Olympic-Sized Swimming Pool Under Construction!
Action: Think back to how your bank told you last week that you are still “swimming in debt.” Delete.
8. Subject: Our Basketball Team Has Done It Again!
Action: Remember all the fun times you had cheering on the team from the sidelines. Remember that Craig cheated on you with the starting point guard. Delete.
9. Subject: Check Out Our Fall Prospectus!
Action: Look to see if you are in it anywhere. Find a picture of you and your friends. Email your group to see if you can all get together soon. Go back to university email. Delete.
10. Subject: Your Reunion is Coming Up: You Don’t Have to Come, but Please Send Money!
Action: Reread to make sure you understand it. Write out a check. Rip it up and watch the pieces burn cathartically. Put out the fire you set in your office garbage can. Delete.
11. Subject: Welcome to Research Emporium!
Action: Wonder how Research Emporium got your email. Remember that your school promised never to give out your email. Take a deep breath. Delete.
12. Subject: The Campus is Being Destroyed to Start from Scratch!
Action: Open the email. Read how they are tearing down every last shred of your university experience. Relish in the joy that no one will ever see where you carved “Jenny and Craig Forever” on the desk where you first saw him. Sigh happily. Delete.
13. Subject: You’re Invited to Reunion!