Adam and Eve Go to Couples Therapy
EVE: Sorry we’re late, Adam was busy naming a new species again.
HOLLY: It’s all right, life can sometimes literally get in the way.
ADAM (muttering): At least one of us has a job.
EVE: Excuse me?
HOLLY: Adam, what did we say about putting each other down?
(Eve crosses her arms.)
ADAM: I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. My boss keeps on giving me mundane tasks.
HOLLY: Work getting tough?
ADAM: Hell yeah — sorry, pardon my Hebrew. Yes, my responsibility’s increasing.
HOLLY: Shouldn’t that be a good thing?
ADAM: Yeah, but it’s not really fulfilling.
EVE: There you go again, complaining about your dead-end job.
ADAM: Look, I’m sick and tired of naming animals.
EVE: Then find a new gig?
ADAM: I looked on LinkedIn and there aren’t many opportunities in the Greater Earth Area.
HOLLY: Adam, it sounds like your job’s been causing a rift between you and Eve.
EVE: It’s more than a rift. We don’t have sex anymore.
ADAM: Wait, once a year isn’t enough?
(Adam is shook.)
HOLLY: We can park this topic for later. Eve, why don’t you tell Adam how you feel?
EVE: Honestly, I feel neglected. I know he has a tough job and a boss who’s always looking over his shoulder, but still. Things used to be so pure between us.
HOLLY: What changed?
(Eve looks down at her lap.)
EVE: I ate some fruit.
ADAM: Some fruit?
(Holly pushes her glasses up.)
HOLLY: I think we’re getting somewhere.
EVE: It was an apple.
ADAM: From the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Of all trees, you just had to pick that one.
EVE: Look, I didn’t know.
(Adam takes heavy breaths, turning red.)
EVE (cont’d): I’m a curious woman. I…have needs.
ADAM: I hope you’re proud of condemning us to an eternity of sin.
EVE: Hey, fuck you.
HOLLY: Guys, please. We can’t keep doing this every session.
(There is an uncomfortable silence.)
ADAM: Quick tangent, but can we turn on the heater? It’s cold and Eve only knows how to make clothing made out of fig leaves.
EVE: I’d like to see you try making clothes for a change.
ADAM: Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll even open up my own Etsy store.
HOLLY: There’s no need to compete on matters like this.
EVE: I’m sorry, it’s just that Adam and I barely talk anymore. We’ve also gained weight.
ADAM: Tell me about it. I used to have six-pack abs and now I have the body of an overweight sloth.
HOLLY: Maybe this is an opportunity for both of you to have a fresh start. Maybe do couples tennis or join Weight Watchers?
EVE: That’s actually not a bad idea.
ADAM: Yeah, Cain’s always been into tennis. We could use this to reconnect with him. He’s always been so violent.
EVE: We do need to discipline him. Perhaps send him to an all-boys Catholic school.
HOLLY: See. Communication. All right, before our next session, I want both of you to work on communication, OK?
(Adam and Eve nod.)
HOLLY (cont’d): Adam, no more making fun of Eve’s fig leaf clothing, OK?
HOLLY (cont’d): And Eve, Adam is doing his best at his job. Try to be understanding, OK?
ADAM: You know, after talking through it, I’m going to put in my two weeks notice. I’ve just about had it with my boss.
EVE: You sure?
ADAM: Yeah. Plus, I’m only getting paid in “good faith.” Like that will do me any good in this economy.
EVE: Whatever you think is best.
ADAM: Hey Holly, before I quit, could you at least endorse me for Communication on LinkedIn?
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