Adam and Eve Go to Couples Therapy

EVE: Sorry we’re late, Adam was busy naming a new species again.

HOLLY: It’s all right, life can sometimes literally get in the way.

ADAM (muttering): At least one of us has a job.

EVE: Excuse me?

HOLLY: Adam, what did we say about putting each other down?

(Eve crosses her arms.)

ADAM: I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. My boss keeps on giving me mundane tasks.

HOLLY: Work getting tough?

ADAM: Hell yeah — sorry, pardon my Hebrew. Yes, my responsibility’s increasing.

HOLLY: Shouldn’t that be a good thing?

ADAM: Yeah, but it’s not really fulfilling.

EVE: There you go again, complaining about your dead-end job.

ADAM: Look, I’m sick and tired of naming animals.

EVE: Then find a new gig?

ADAM: I looked on LinkedIn and there aren’t many opportunities in the Greater Earth Area.

HOLLY: Adam, it sounds like your job’s been causing a rift between you and Eve.

EVE: It’s more than a rift. We don’t have sex anymore.

ADAM: Wait, once a year isn’t enough?

EVE: No.

(Adam is shook.)

HOLLY: We can park this topic for later. Eve, why don’t you tell Adam how you feel?

EVE: Honestly, I feel neglected. I know he has a tough job and a boss who’s always looking over his shoulder, but still. Things used to be so pure between us.

HOLLY: What changed?

(Eve looks down at her lap.)

EVE: I ate some fruit.

ADAM: Some fruit?

(Holly pushes her glasses up.)

HOLLY: I think we’re getting somewhere.

EVE: It was an apple.

ADAM: From the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Of all trees, you just had to pick that one.

EVE: Look, I didn’t know.

(Adam takes heavy breaths, turning red.)

EVE (cont’d): I’m a curious woman. I…have needs.

ADAM: I hope you’re proud of condemning us to an eternity of sin.

EVE: Hey, fuck you.

HOLLY: Guys, please. We can’t keep doing this every session.

(There is an uncomfortable silence.)

ADAM: Quick tangent, but can we turn on the heater? It’s cold and Eve only knows how to make clothing made out of fig leaves.

EVE: I’d like to see you try making clothes for a change.

ADAM: Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll even open up my own Etsy store.

HOLLY: There’s no need to compete on matters like this.

EVE: I’m sorry, it’s just that Adam and I barely talk anymore. We’ve also gained weight.

ADAM: Tell me about it. I used to have six-pack abs and now I have the body of an overweight sloth.

HOLLY: Maybe this is an opportunity for both of you to have a fresh start. Maybe do couples tennis or join Weight Watchers?

EVE: That’s actually not a bad idea.

ADAM: Yeah, Cain’s always been into tennis. We could use this to reconnect with him. He’s always been so violent.

EVE: We do need to discipline him. Perhaps send him to an all-boys Catholic school.

HOLLY: See. Communication. All right, before our next session, I want both of you to work on communication, OK?

(Adam and Eve nod.)

HOLLY (cont’d): Adam, no more making fun of Eve’s fig leaf clothing, OK?

(Adam nods.)

HOLLY (cont’d): And Eve, Adam is doing his best at his job. Try to be understanding, OK?

(Eve nods.)

ADAM: You know, after talking through it, I’m going to put in my two weeks notice. I’ve just about had it with my boss.

EVE: You sure?

ADAM: Yeah. Plus, I’m only getting paid in “good faith.” Like that will do me any good in this economy.

EVE: Whatever you think is best.

ADAM: Hey Holly, before I quit, could you at least endorse me for Communication on LinkedIn?

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